Q: My sister drinks and parties too much, loses job after job and neglects her children.
This has forced her 11-year-old son to take over many of the responsibilities of running the household, preparing meals for his siblings and making sure they get to the school bus on time.
I wish my two boys were half as responsible as their cousin. They play video games, squabble, turn our rumpus room into a disaster zone and seldom do what they’re told.
How can I make them more responsible, like their cousin?
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A: You do not want your children to be like your sister’s son. Don’t kid yourself. He is not being responsible. He is simply struggling to survive.
His reality is that if he does not pick up on the responsibilities around the house, no one else will and the consequences could be dire for him and his siblings. His cost for picking up the responsibilities of the home is a loss of self, that essence of who he is and how he is going to make his way into the world.
Think about it. While he is busy looking after the family home and caring for his brother and sister, he is not looking after himself. He is not learning how to throw a baseball, how to ride a bike.
What about friends? Most young children are learning massive numbers of skills that they will need and use when they mature into the kinship and social climate of the adult world.
Kids who grow up as your sister’s children are typically find themselves lost in social isolation later in life. They often have no sense of identity for whom they are and their sense of love for others is suspect.
Instead of loving others, they pity them and while pity can work well for so many people who are desperate, it does not work in intimacy. You pity those who are struggling, but you love and respect those in intimacy.
Your sister’s children probably need a lot more support and encouragement than do your own kids. I hope you will not shy away from them.
Talk to social services. Let them know about your concerns for your sister’s household. They have social workers who have the skills and the mandate to help your sister build a more loving and caring home for all three of her children.
Do not be afraid to single out the 11-year-old boy, the caretaker. He might need more support than the others. If you put a call into the support line for Alcoholics Anonymous, they might put you in touch with those children’s programs designed to help children be children instead of being little and incompetent adults.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
