Q: My wife’s constant nagging is hurting our marriage. What can I do?
A: I hope, for starters, that you and your wife will consider a few sessions with a marriage counsellor. She or he might help lift the two of you into a more positive track when you are talking to each other. It could save or at least rekindle your marriage.
Until you get some time with a counsellor, let me try something with you. Years ago, there was a famous psychiatrist whose name was Otto Rank. He wrote several books to help counsellors do their jobs more effectively.
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He had some great ideas. He said that good counsellors listen with their third ears. What he meant was that we should not always take things at face value.
Let me give you an example. At face value, we might hear someone say that she does not have much faith in other people caring for her. You might believe what she has said and spend a lot of effort trying to prove to her that people can be trusted and surely she will find those in her neighborhood who do care for her.
But if you are listening with the third ear what you hear is that the person in question has doubts about herself and, of course, she cannot trust others because she does not trust the person whom she knows the best, namely herself.
You can try listening with your third ear within your marriage. Think about it. When your wife is nagging at you, do you honestly hear what she is saying? Or do you mentally drift off somewhere?
My guess is that when she is nagging, you hear very little of what she is saying.
So stop yourself from drifting off. Listen carefully to what she is saying and do your best to let your wife know you are listening to her and that you think what she is saying is super important.
If you do that, if you listen closely, chances are great that she has some good ideas for you to consider.
Over time, if you keep listening to her, she could start to change a bit, to nag less and discuss whatever with reason, good sense, and a lot of caring. And, who knows, if you listen more effectively to her, chances are good that someday soon she will listen to you too.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
