Q: My husband and I separated amicably a year and a half ago. It’s the best decision for us, but we worry about our four- and six-year-old boys.
How do we instill in our boys the self-esteem that neither of us had?
A: It is possible to raise children with self-esteem despite some deficits in Mom and Dad, but it is easier to do so if Mom and Dad carry an aura of confidence about themselves.
Kids tend to mimic their parents. The more that both you and your husband can engage in counselling and reinforce your own self-esteem, the easier it will be for your children to do the same. But we can also explore some other routes for supporting your children.
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You need to understand that self-esteem is something that comes from inside of a person. It is not something that you as a parent can give to your children and, despite the ads, you cannot buy it from a store. What you can do is foster the growth within each child, praise and commend him for his various achievements and generally love him to pieces.
In a more practical sense, I would recommend that you follow old school psychology and look at the hierarchy of needs developed many years ago by Abraham Maslow. Maslow suggests that you go through a hierarchy of needs, starting with basic needs at the bottom of the hierarchy, moving to safety needs, love and belonging (social needs), self-esteem (which comes later) and finally creativity, or self-actualization.
Given that you and your husband appear to be talking to each other, you can check and make sure that each of your homes is facilitating the hierarchy of needs. How are the children’s basic needs being met? Do they have regular mealtimes, bedtimes and play times in each home? How about safety needs? Does each home have a foundation of financial security? And what about love and belonging?
You have said that you love your kids to pieces. Does each of them know it and does each of them know that both Mom and Dad, despite the divorce, are always going to be there for them? And what about self-esteem? Are your kids living in two homes where they are praised for what they do and supported when life delivers some of its many disappointments?
If you and your husband work hard to provide guidance through each of the four needs we have discussed, the final step, creativity, will happen on its own. The divorce will be a non-issue in their drive to self-esteem and personal confidence.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
