Q: Our three-year-old had a terrible reaction during a recent visit to her grandmother. She screamed the moment we walked in the door, would not let Grandma pick her up and clung on to her father and me just about the whole time we were there.
How do we get on top of our daughter’s anxiety?
A: Sometimes I think we adults forget just how frightening and terrifying the world can be to young eyes. It is scary. There are so many unknowns: big people, little people, barking dogs, cats that scratch, wiggly worms, caterpillars, loud and obnoxious crows, and on and on the list goes.
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There are many kids, and your daughter could be one of them, who spend huge chunks of their early childhoods living in fear.
In fact, most kids have at least some reservations whenever they are introduced to someone or something that is new to them. Getting used to it takes a while.
In studies done on rhesus monkeys years ago psychologists noticed that baby monkeys only gradually venture out into unfamiliar territory. The small monkeys would cling to their moms when life was different, venturing out a few feet before running back to Mom. With that security mounted once again, the baby monkeys would venture out a few more feet before retreating to Mom, and so it went time and time again before the little guys were comfortable with where ever it was they were.
Kids are similar. They need time to get to know people and places. When Grandma, through her excitement and enthusiasm, jumped into your daughter’s territory before your daughter had a chance to orientate herself, she likely intimidated the poor little thing.
Once that fear in your daughter had been sparked, it was going to take a mountain of time for her to recover enough to learn to live and love that wonderful person in her life.
I cannot tell you whether your daughter is dealing with what might be called generalized anxiety. If you have concerns about her, make an appointment with a child psychologist and talk to her about your daughter.
What I can tell you is that kids with anxiety are not afraid of anything different than are other kids. Many kids, for example, are afraid of barking dogs, all dogs, big or small, scruffy or pretty. As they get older, they learn they do not have to be afraid of all dogs. They might find pitbulls intimidating or so also well-trained guard dogs, but they can romp and play with run-of-the-mill dogs and have a great time. Anxious kids never grow out of their fears.
They will be intimidated by dogs for the rest of their lives, and that makes it so distressing. Those kids need professional help. But that does not necessarily include your daughter.
Give her and Grandma a break. Don’t force it, and who knows, maybe your daughter will on her own, and in her own time, come to love and respect Grandma as much as you do.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
