Q: I am the main caregiver for my elderly mother, who has Alzheimer’s. However, my siblings constantly criticize how I do things and one has even denied that our mother has Alzheimer’s.
Her doctor now says she will soon have to go into a long-term care home, but I don’t know how I’m going to do that in the face of so much opposition from my siblings.
A: You need to remember that often each of us has a unique and special relationship with our moms. The differences between child and parent relationships, one to another, are profound.
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In fact, those differences can permeate the family walls. It is entirely possible that the way in which you relate to your mom is different than are the ways in which your brother and your two sisters carry on with her. If the differences between all your mother-child relationship are as profound as they seem to be by your letter, the probability for consensus between the four of you is slightly less than impossible.
Your siblings do not necessarily understand you and you struggle with them. This means that you are not likely to get the support you need to best help your mom. You are going to have to go it alone. But you can be lonesome without being lonely.
Your mom’s physician and your community’s home-care program are there to give you the support you need.
As you assert yourself and as your mom settles into the appropriate care plans, chances are good that your siblings will begin to appreciate that everyone is doing what you believe is best for your mom.
That mom who cared for each of you while you were growing up is different than is the person whom all of you need to support. She is not the mom she was and whatever the relationships she had with each of you away back then, they are not likely to continue now.
Who knows, with all of you beginning to understand that things change, including who Mom is, the tensions between the four of you may dissipate. You might even get to work together for the well-being of your mom.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
