It is almost a cliche to talk about the struggles that can take place on a two-generation farm, largely because everyone risks something.
My friend David Irvine, who worked with many farm families when he was a family counsellor,
explained at a holistic management gathering in Lloydminster, Alta., what everyone has at risk.
Let’s start with the father, who may have a struggle letting go enough to let his son or daughter take over at least part of the farm. If the father does not have a circle of friends, and if he hasn’t developed himself in other ways through hobbies, community involvement and even personal and spiritual growth, his sense of worth will come solely from the operation he has built up. Losing control can feel as though he is losing his life and depression can follow.
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What is at risk for the father is literally his identity and sense of self worth.
Now let’s look at what is at risk for the son or daughter who is trying to farm with the father. The problem here is a little different. The adult child may have worked away for a number of years before coming home to farm or ranch and has probably gained status, respect and even a fairly high level of responsibility in the outside world.
They come home expecting to be treated as an adult and to have the same respect and responsibility on the home place. They discover they are being treated more like a hired hand, which rankles. However, they are reluctant to hurt anybody so they don’t stage a palace revolt. Chances are if they did, it would get the father’s attention enough to hammer out a workable agreement. Of course that might not happen, so the risk for adult children is being forced to walk away from the operation if they can’t get a real partnership in the farm.
Now let’s bring the child’s spouse into the picture, who is most often the daughter-in-law. She is in a particularly precarious position because as tension builds between her husband and father-in-law, both parents-in-law somehow manage to work it out in their minds that she is the problem. Sometimes it is because she is a “town girl” who doesn’t understand the farming culture. Sometimes it is because she has a picture of what kind of life she wants for her family, which includes security in the form of written agreements. This might not jibe with the father-in-law’s picture of how things should be.
If she takes a stand and demands the conditions that will bring the kind of life and security she wants for her family, she risks losing her marriage. This is especially true if her husband doesn’t understand that his first loyalty must be to his wife, not his parents and the farm.
And what is at risk for the mother? In a nutshell, she risks losing her family. When her husband and one or more of their children are at loggerheads and are too stubborn (which actually means frightened) to bend enough to come up with a workable arrangement, there is bound to be a bitter end. Somebody walks away mad, and that means estrangement, or at best tension at family gatherings for a long time to come.
Having two generations working on a farm or ranch can be a dream come true, but it comes with risks for everyone. That is why it is important for everyone to talk truthfully about what conditions they need to make it work. This is almost impossible for family members to do on their own, so it is important to find someone who can facilitate a meeting and make sure everyone is heard and a plan is drawn up.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council, which will pay his fee and expenses for speaking at meetings and conventions of agricultural organizations. To book him, call 780-432-5492, email: farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
