A while back I got a call from a woman, who I’ll call Shirley, wondering why her husband wouldn’t share his feelings with her about their situation.
They could have normal conversations about the kids and things around the farm, she said, but when it came to talking about their future or how they were going to survive financially in the midst of the BSE debacle, she couldn’t get him to talk. They are cattle producers and it is possible they may have to get out of farming.
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“He won’t even look me in the eye,” she said. “He just clams up. I know it’s a tough subject, but we simply have to talk about it.”
Shirley, like most women, feels nurtured and supported when she and her husband, who I’ll call Ken, talk face to face, especially if he looks her in the eye when they are talking.
But Ken finds it uncomfortable doing this, especially when they are having a heart-to-heart about an emotional subject such as how they will get through the crisis and whether they even want to keep farming.
The situation is complicated by the fact that Ken is 55 and Shirley is 52. Both are in midlife transitions and often feel emotionally raw and easily upset.
I suggested Shirley might ask Ken to go for a walk with her or even a drive, and talk then.
Here’s why. When we men have a conversation, we are often competing with each other. We look each other in the eye, but we are trying to win the conversation by exchanging facts.
This is not blatant, but in most conversations between men, the guy with the most data wins.
We don’t talk about how we are feeling, unless it is how we feel about the government or the weather. Even then, our feelings are couched in facts, such as what a bunch of jerks the Americans are for closing the border to Canadian cattle for almost two years.
But here is a little secret: we often find it easier to talk when we are doing something, such as walking, driving or fixing something, and when we are specifically not looking into our wife’s eyes.
According to Jed Diamond in his book The Irritable Male Syndrome, having to look into our loved one’s eyes during intense discussions makes us feel put on the spot, and it’s hard for us not to become defensive.
Ken’s withdrawal is a version of what John Gottman, a psychology professor and marriage counsellor at the University of Washington in Seattle, calls stonewalling, meaning disengaging from a conversation and refusing to talk. It appears as though he isn’t interested in what his wife wants to talk about, but in fact he cares so deeply about it that he feels too overwhelmed to handle a conversation with her.
Gottman’s research makes sense of Ken’s reaction. He has discovered a difference in how men and women react during an intense discussion or heated argument.
Surprisingly, men in general become more upset physiologically during an intense discussion than women, and they continue to be distressed long after a woman has calmed down. They become flooded, which means they feel so emotionally and physically overwhelmed they can’t think clearly. In an intense interaction or argument, it is likely they will have sweaty hands, a pounding heart, shallow breathing and a feeling that they can’t take it and have to get away.
This may be explained by evolutionary survival, from a time when the male had to be more alert to external danger to protect the female and her young and be quickly and easily aroused to red alert.
A modern man does not need this kind of evolutionary afterburner and is stuck with all engines roaring and nowhere to go. It feels awful. The only way he knows to cope is to shut down and withdraw into a stony silence. This in turn increases the woman’s frustration as she pursues him to get him to talk to her.
So with Shirley and Ken, he clams up to cope with the stress he is feeling and Shirley becomes more upset by that than if he had shouted at her.
So for couples who have a problem to discuss, especially when it is a hot one for the guy, it might be better discussed when going for a walk, taking a drive or doing small jobs around the farm, although not something as strenuous as sorting cattle.
Under these more low-key circumstances, they might be able to talk about the things that need to be talked about. Of course, they should use “I statements,” which I discussed in an earlier article.
I haven’t heard back from Shirley, so maybe it worked.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a professional speaker, coach and writer who specializes in guiding men and women through the uncertainty of life transitions. He can be reached toll-free at 877-736-1552. Website: www.midlife-men.com.
