The wet and late harvest season put pressures on many farm couples who did not have money to hire help. Most wives are no stranger to field work, but this year, tension and snappiness were probably common, since many wives were doing more things and for a much longer time.
I wonder how many men asked their wives for help, or just said “hey, you’ve got to come out to the field with me today.”
That is not asking, it is commanding.
A thoughtful asking would have been to say, “hon, I know we are both tired to the bone, and you’ve been caring a heavy load at home but I could really use your help today and wonder if you are willing to work outside with me?”
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The difference in words may not seem like much, but it is.
In Joyce Sasse’s recent column in The Western Producer, she pointed out the importance of getting permission before telling people what to do or jumping in and doing it for them. Sasse was shovelling a neighbour’s front steps after a heavy snow-fall. She knew this lady should not be shovelling with her heart problems.
“Who asked you to do that?” asked her neighbour from the top of the steps. “I know you mean well, but when you just go ahead and do things like that without asking, you take away what little power I have.”
There are many other ways to ask: “I would appreciate it if you …. I would like you to …. Would you be willing to …. I really need your help right now.” When you use these words you share where you are coming from and are honest.
And don’t forget to say thank you. Let the other person realize you recognize their effort.
Appreciations are important, especially in marriage. Years ago, I came up with the phrase, “an appreciation a day keeps the counsellor away.” Asking and appreciating do more than that. They build and maintain relationships in a spirit of respect and equality.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
