A common symptom of midlife in men is to become more emotional.
Men who have felt little emotion for years suddenly find themselves moved to tears at movies or find a lump in their throat when thinking about their children or grandchildren or even the condition of the earth. A 50-year-old friend confided recently that he gets all choked up at news stories about people being
rescued.
For many, this is distressing. They don’t want to appear weak in front of their peers or their family. That’s understandable.
Read Also
Agriculture needs to prepare for government spending cuts
As government makes necessary cuts to spending, what can be reduced or restructured in the budgets for agriculture?
But there are benefits. While many things can lead to dissatisfaction with life, a key to feeling satisfied is knowing what you are feeling, and being able to express it.
I know, I know, getting in touch with your feelings sounds clichŽd and touchy-feely. But in my experience, little contributes as much to a feeling of satisfaction as knowing what you are feeling and being able to share your feelings with another human being, especially your wife or partner. Nothing increases intimacy as much as sharing your feelings with the one you love.
OK, you say, but “I don’t even know what I am feeling half the time.”
Fair enough. My observation is that we men are socialized when we are young to have a narrow range of feelings: anger-rage, love (lust), and maybe happiness when our team wins a game. We are specifically conditioned not to recognize, and especially not admit to feeling hurt, fear, anxiety, loneliness or any other “weak” emotion. I am generalizing here, but I am not far off. It isn’t that we don’t have all the other feelings, we just aren’t aware of them.
Some research shows that by the time boys are two years old, they are already being conditioned to tune out their feelings. Girls are about 13 before this starts happening to them.
About 25 years ago I went to a time management workshop based on transactional analysis, and began learning how to know what I was feeling. It was difficult at first. So many of the feelings we have are lumped under the heading of anger or depression.
Here is what I learned to do:
I began by working on becoming aware of a tight feeling in my gut. That told me I was having a feeling.
Once I recognized that I was having a feeling, I would stop, and say to myself, “what kind of feeling would be logical under these circumstances?” I might discover that feeling hurt would be logical given the circumstances, so I would then tune into the feeling to see whether I was feeling hurt, fearful or resentful, or whatever would be logical under the circumstances.
As I did this, I got better at discovering my true feelings. Anger is a general feeling that usually covers some other feeling, especially fear.
The next step was the hardest Ñ admitting to my wife (or whoever I had the feeling about) what I was feeling, especially if it was anger or resentment about some small thing she had said or done. I was afraid she would think me petty.
Of course, the results of speaking my true feelings were always the opposite of what I feared, but it took a while to trust the process. Plus, I had to be sure not to blame the person I was having the feeling about or point fingers at her for making me feel bad. I had to learn how to use “I statements.”
Now I know what I am feeling at any moment, and if I don’t, I can tune in quickly and find out. The payoff is immeasurable in increased intimacy and satisfaction with life.
Being uncomfortable with feelings might be macho, but it is certainly not manly. In fact, in traditional
This inability to recognize or express our whole range of feelings robs us of love, pleasure, joy and
satisfaction in life. For one thing, it keeps us from telling people we love that we love them.
I see this with farmers and ranchers who have lost their fathers, and wish they had told their dads they loved them. I’ve also met men who were estranged from sons, daughters or other family members. They have so much fear about appearing vulnerable that they just can’t say what the other is longing to hear. If that’s manly, I want no part of it.
The movie 8 Seconds is about a world champion bull rider who gets killed by a bull. For years he had striven to gain his father’s love and recognition, but his dad was too afraid to express any deep emotion. After his son is killed, his wife finds the father sitting in the living room, trying to remember whether he ever told his son he loved him. Don’t let that happen to you.
So, if you want to increase your satisfaction with life, a big step is learning how to feel your feelings and talk openly about them. It’s good for your heart too, so you’ll
live longer if you do.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a professional speaker, coach and writer who specializes in guiding men and women through the uncertainty of life transitions. He can be reached toll-free at 877-736-1552. Website: www.midlife-men.com.
