I have talked about midlife men on a radio call-in show a number of times. Often, callers wonder whether they are supposed to be in a crisis. They are middle aged and are undergoing some changes, but it doesn’t feel like a crisis. For some in their 60s or 70s, they are still waiting for their midlife crisis.
My observation, backed up by researchers such as Daniel Levinson in his book The Seasons of a Man’s Life, is that almost all men will go through a major change or transition. But it may not be at midlife.
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For example, a man in his late 20s or early 30s, who has not settled into a career or marriage, may feel as though he is in crisis as he tries to figure out what to do. He may feel as though he is behind his peers. Perhaps he is getting not-so-subtle pressure from his parents suggesting it is time to decide on something and get going. Having gone through a crisis in his 30s, such a man may barely notice his midlife transition, which Levinson defines as ages 40-45.
Alternatively, he may, as I did, make a number of major changes during his 40s, but not experience them as a crisis. During that decade, I finally got a clear sense of my life mission, quit my job as a television reporter, went back to university, split up with my second wife, and entered a relationship with Elizabeth, whom I have now been happily married to for 17 years.
Looking back on this time, I can see that what I did was stereotypical midlife behaviour, yet none of it felt like a crisis. In fact, it all felt positive.
My 50s, though, were a different matter. I entered a long period where I was aware I was going through a major transition and there did not seem to be anything I could do to hasten it. It felt as though it was to a large degree a spiritual transition, where my very being was changing in some way.
Now, at age 60, I have as much energy as I did in my 40s, but it is deepened in a way that is hard to describe. I feel wiser, and more able to sort out the important from the inconsequential.
As a crisis or not, I believe, as do other researchers, that every person goes through some kind of transition during their middle years. Rather than a time of crisis, it may be a time of quest. It can be a quest for wholeness, a quest for integrity, a quest for love, a quest for independence as well as interdependence, or a quest for the sacred. It can be a time for the healing of old wounds or for finding one’s true calling.
Many men and women in promising careers completely change direction at midlife, and even though they may take a big cut in pay, they find life as an elementary school teacher, or a construction worker more satisfying than being a stockbroker.
Have you been feeling a bit restless? Wanting to try something new? Dr. Donald Jonovic, who owns Family Business Management Services in Cleveland, Ohio, says by midlife we get bored because we know too much about the business we are running, and we are no longer creative.
He suggests that if we want to try something new we should get into something we know nothing about to retrieve some excitement.
At midlife, the big questions about the meaning of life come back as well. Perhaps they are triggered by the death of someone we are close to, or by a serious accident or illness. However they come, they get our attention and we start a search for meaning at a deeper level. We may go back to formal religion, or we may seek on our own through prayer, meditation, retreats, or other spiritual disciplines.
Are you middle aged and still haven’t had a crisis? Don’t worry about it. But do pay attention to your life, and go on whatever quest you feel called to.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail:farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
