Here is the scenario. You and your true love have been married for some time and you have discovered there are certain topics you just can’t talk about.
Perhaps it’s about your irritation at the way your father-in-law puts his two-bits worth in about how to run your farm.
Or maybe it is the way your beloved leaves the office desk littered with mail, none of it filed or attended to, and all of it in the way.
It could be the way your precious spouse drinks “a little too much” now and then, and makes, in your estimation, a fool of him/herself at community get-togethers.
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What ensues from time to time is what I call a circular argument. It goes from an accusation to a counter accusation to a counter-counter accusation, and on and on. Both parties eventually wear down and the conversation ends with nothing resolved. Over time, you and your beloved learn not to bring up certain subjects. They are the ones “we don’t talk about.”
The reason those hot conversations never go anywhere is that both sides stop listening for what is being said and start listening for an opening to “yes but” the other.
Let’s say Ted and Linda were sorting cattle with neighbours Stan and Sheila. When Ted and Linda are sorting cattle alone, Ted is abrupt with Linda, so when an animal is coming toward Linda and she is about to send it to the wrong gate, Ted might yell, “no, not that one for God’s sake. Put it over there.”
However, this morning Ted was sorting the animals and neighbour Sheila was directing them while Stan and Linda worked the squeeze.
Linda noticed that her beloved
Ted was quite a bit more polite when Sheila was directing the animals to the wrong gate. He
said things such as, “if you don’t mind, I think that one needs to go to the other gate.”
It is now five o’clock. Stan and Sheila have gone home and Ted and Linda are in the house cleaning up.
Linda: “I think I am going to dress like Sheila next time we sort cattle.”
Ted: “What do you mean?”
Linda: “With me it’s ‘not that gate you fool.’ With Sheila it’s, ‘I think we’ll put this one over here.’ ” She gestures with a gentle wave of the hand.
Ted: “Oh come on, that’s a lot of bunk. What about the way you were talking to Stan. ‘Would you please hold that leg a little tighter, it kicked me a bit there.’ That sure isn’t the way you talk to me when I lose my grip.”
Linda: “Oh yeah? Well what about the other day when …”
And on it goes.
When we are accused of some-thing, our “reptilian brain,” which is the oldest part of our brain, takes over from our “rational brain,” which is the newest part. The result is we only see two options: fight or flight.
Our usual first response is fight, in the form of a counter-accusation. That transforms our spouse into our sparring mate and the battle is on.
Here are a couple of tools Ted and Linda could use to help them listen to each other.
- Use “I statements,” which describe what a person sees or experiences and how they feel about it, rather than “you statements,” which simply accuse the other person of doing something
wrong.
For example, Linda might say, “I am angry. When you and I are sorting cattle, I feel like I am being ordered around and shouted at.
But when you were working with Sheila this morning, you never raised your voice once.”
- Use a watch to take turns speaking. It works this way: Ted
and Linda are in the house, and it is clear that Linda is angry because she has just made the previously mentioned “I statement.”
Rather than move into adversarial mode, Ted suggests they use a watch. They both agree to allow 30 minutes for this conversation. If now is not a good time, considering it is almost supper time, they can agree to have the discussion later, when they can give undistracted
attention.
The conversation starts, with Linda having three minutes to speak. During Linda’s three minutes, Ted may not speak at all. After three minutes, it is Ted’s turn, and Linda may not speak at all, even if Ted can’t organize his thoughts quickly and takes the first two minutes to think of what to say.
The result is that, because they can’t interrupt each other, they begin to listen to what the other says, knowing they will have their turn. And each will get as many turns as they need. Eventually, they won’t need the watch and in time they will probably have no topics left that they “don’t talk about.”
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council, which will pay his fee and expenses for speaking at meetings and conventions of agricultural organizations. To book him, call 780-432-5492, email: farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
