Kindness key in midlife transition - Ranching After 50

I regularly receive calls and e-mails from distressed women. I also get a few from men. A woman called from Wisconsin the other day, desperately trying to figure out how to deal with her husband of 24 years. He is 45 and during the past year has become withdrawn, defensive, uncommunicative and sometimes downright mean with the words he uses.

He recently moved out, but still comes to do the farm work every day, although he eats lunch outside. She is at her wit’s end.

My only advice to her was essentially the same as what she was told by a counsellor, as well as Jed Diamond, author of the 2004 book The Irritable Male Syndrome: figure out what she needs in her life and what behaviour she will not put up with from him, such as verbal or any other kind of abuse.

Read Also

Producers face the reality of shifting grain price expectations

Significant price shifts have occurred in various grains as compared to what was expected at the beginning of the calendar year. Crop insurance prices can be used as a base for the changes.

She has been trying to get him to talk to her about what’s going on, but the more she pushes, the more reticent and defensive he gets. Because that approach hasn’t been working, I suggested she let him be.

I also assured her that he will get through this transition, after which he may or may not come back to her. In either case, she needs to figure out what is important in her life.

While I was talking on the phone recently to a friend who farms in eastern Alberta, his wife, not knowing he was on the phone, called him from another room.

“I’m on the phone,” he said in an angry and dismissive tone, as though she were a fool for not knowing

that. How much better for their relationship if he had simply told

her the same thing in an informative but not judgmental tone.

I am dismayed at how many people are mean to their spouses and partners when they are feeling depressed and irritable, which are common symptoms of midlife transitions for both men and women.

I know it is easy to lose patience with almost anyone when we are feeling irritable.

However, it is quite another thing to become mean and nasty. There is no excuse for that. We are adults, not children.

This “mean talk” can take several forms:

Sarcasm and cutting or dismissive remarks.
Belittling the other person.
Being hypercritical of the other person.
Talking down to the other people as though they were children.

Calling the other person names, such as stupid and boneheaded.

A woman in menopause and a man in andropause can be a tough combination. Both may be prone to wild mood swings, depression, confusion about the future, re-evaluation of life choices and changes in values, which we hadn’t anticipated.

Maybe we are starting to feel overwhelmed or we just need a break from all the responsibilities and demands on our time. Maybe we don’t know where our life is headed.

The feeling of “when will there be time for me” is common in middle-aged men and women.

We may be lost in introspection and need to let people know we just can’t talk right now. However, cruel words are not acceptable.

A Cree elder I have known for many years teaches the four principles of a balanced life:

Love (expressed as kindness).
Sharing (your time, talents and possessions).

Truth (as in speaking and living your truth).
Strength (perseverance or determination).

Of these four, treating others with kindness and respect will go the farthest toward harmonious relationships and will help you make it through your midlife transition with dignity.

Relationships are often damaged for years because of careless and unkind words.

Yes, midlife transitions are hard, disorienting, frightening and confusing, but there is no excuse

for verbally abusing those who

love us.

Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council, which will pay his fee and expenses for speaking at meetings and conventions of agricultural organizations. To book him, call 780-432-5492, email: farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.