When Keith was 55, he had an affair with an attractive woman
in her 30s.
He left his wife, moved in with his lover, and lived in a state of aroused confusion for three years. He felt guilty about leaving his wife, but was attracted to the younger woman like a moth to a flame.
“When I am with her, I feel younger, more alive,” he told me. Eventually he left the younger woman and went back to his wife, who agreed to try to work through the pain and betrayal to forge a new relationship. As far as I know they are still married.
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I don’t know whether you saw the 1970 movie Love Story. I didn’t. I figured any movie with the insipid tagline “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” was too dopey to bother with.
However, one of the main characters, Jennifer Cavalleri, has become the epitome of the pure, high-spirited young woman with plenty of panache.
She is the woman that men might fantasize about, especially men in midlife crises. Some even go out and look for a Jennifer when they are trying desperately to hide the fact that their own youthfulness is fading. That is what Keith did. Psychologists and doctors refer to it as Jennifer syndrome.
As we men age, we produce lower quantities of androgens or male hormones, of which testosterone is the most common.
Starting at about age 30, testosterone levels drop 10 percent every decade, but the effects aren’t really all that noticeable until sometime in our mid 40s to early 50s. When the effects do become noticeable, scientists call it the PADAM syndrome, short for Partial Androgen Deficiency in the Aging Male.
Usually, we notice the changes in our sexuality first. We are just as potent as ever and even old men can still father children, but we don’t have the desire or stamina we used to.
But there are other symptoms as well. In fact, many men have symptoms similar to what women in menopause experience such as hot flushes, raised heart rate, lack of ability to concentrate, irritability and depression.
None of this is much fun, but it is inevitable. Essentially, growing older is a continuous process of letting go especially of the physical powers of our youth. Not that we have to become all flabby and flaccid, but there is simply no way to maintain the physical vitality we had when we were younger. Women seem to be better at this kind of letting go than men.
Some men try to deny this physical decline, which can lead to extreme behaviours: suddenly deciding to get in shape, and overdoing it with exercise or sports; drinking too much; overeating or succumbing to the Jennifer syndrome and checking out younger women.
In fact, most psychologists agree that men who turn to younger women aren’t fired with sexual desire so much as trying to prove their own youthfulness. In the long run, it is a losing battle.
This can be a critical stage for couples, since both people are facing tumultuous changes. If they don’t hang in and support each other, it can lead to pain, separation and even divorce.
Probably the most important thing is to accept what is. As it says in Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata, “take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.”
It is time to discover the richness found in midlife:
- Our relationships can be more authentic and satisfying.
* We have enough knowledge
- We have enough knowledge
and wisdom to be mentors and champions for the younger people in our lives.
- The creative urge often surfaces again at midlife.
- We can acknowledge and fix the inequities in our lives. Does your wife work off the farm and still do all the housework?
Here are two points to ponder.
What middle aged man or woman did you admire when you were 10, and why? How can you be more like them? What have you been doing that makes you laugh?
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council. He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail:farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
