Every community has them: grouchy, irritating, angry people for whom nothing is ever right. You know some. If you are middle aged, you might recently have become one.
I believe our task in life is to learn patience and compassion for others.
It is easy to be patient and compassionate with people who are easy to get along with. The hard ones to deal with are the negative, angry and irritating people in our lives.
But it is these people who can teach us the most, although the learning is not easy.
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There is a story about the spiritual community led by G.I. Gurdjieff in France. One member of the community was a difficult old man. He was irritable, messy, always fighting with other people, and unwilling to do his share of the work. Nobody liked him, and he did not like the group.
After many months of struggling to stay with the group, the old man left for Paris.
Gurdjieff went after him and tried to get him to come back, but the old man said no, it had been too hard.
Finally, Gurdjieff offered to pay him a large monthly stipend if he returned, so the old man agreed.
When the rest of the people heard that Gurdjieff was paying this miserable old cuss to stay in the community, when they themselves were being charged a handsome fee to be there, they were up in arms.
Gurdjieff called them together and said, “look, without this man you would never really learn about anger, irritability, patience and compassion. That is why you pay me, and I hire him.”
No doubt to begin with, the people in the community had reacted to the old man’s anger with their own anger and irritability.
But eventually they had to learn a better way, and this is what Gurdjieff was looking for.
So how does one deal with difficult people? One of the best I know of is to listen to them.
Anger is always a cover for some other feeling that lurks underneath. My experience with most angry and negative people is that they are really feeling hurt and unloved, and that frightens them.
Simply listening, with the true intent of understanding them, in other words listening from the heart, can be very healing for anyone.
When was the last time you felt truly listened to? Didn’t it feel good? It is surprising what a difference it can make when you respond to a person’s anger and bitterness with genuine interest and compassion, and listen patiently and sincerely.
A man in a midlife transition and a woman in menopause can be a difficult situation: both can feel irritated and negative a lot of the time. But don’t worry, this too shall pass.
Trying to listen to each other under those circumstances can be challenging, but the effect of doing so can be tremendously rewarding.
Here is a tool that might help:
- Set aside some time – say 30 minutes to an hour once every week or so – to talk with one another about things that are bothering you.
- Have a watch or clock that gives a read-out in minutes and seconds.
- Take turns talking for three minutes about whatever is on your mind. While one person is using their three minutes, the other may not speak at all, which means he or she cannot interrupt, no matter how much they may want to.
Once you do this a few times, you will discover you don’t need the watch. You will automatically listen until the other person is done saying what they need to say.
Then, the next time that irritating neighbour begins to go on about how awful everything is, rather than get angry, you will be curious about what is really on his mind, and be able to give him a “good listening to.”
Patience and compassion are two skills that can bring more peace and serenity to our lives, and if we can’t learn them the easy way, the difficult people in our lives can help us out.
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton is a sponsored speaker with the Canadian Farm Business Management Council, which will pay his fee and expenses for speaking at meetings and conventions of agricultural organizations. To book him, call 780-432-5492, email: farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
