I received a letter a while back from Barbara Boyd, who ranches with her husband Richard near San Angelo, Texas.
Richard has scaled down his ranching operations considerably during the past four years and says one of my articles gave him permission for what he was already feeling.
However, Boyd said the article, which was about how, after I turned 50, I lost passion for many of the things I used to do, applies to everyone who has entered or passed midlife.
I mentioned that the 30s to 50s are the busy years spent raising a family, establishing a career or business, and in general meeting society’s expectations. The third age of 50 and older is a time to enjoy life and share what we’ve learned with the younger generation. A benchmark of the 50-plus years seems to be a loss of passion for many of the things we used to enjoy. It can be an uncertain and even frightening time, especially for men. We often begin to seek spiritual direction in these years.
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However, Boyd said it goes along with what she has been thinking lately: how she is becoming a “used to” person, and is happy to be one. She used to bake bread. She used to be a scratch cook and large meal fixer. She used to sew and be an avid quilt maker. She used to be passionate about home decorating and so much more. She said she has lost her passion for so many things that she used to enjoy.
However, Boyd doesn’t worry about it. She figures we middle-aged folks don’t need to feel guilty or try to hang onto areas of life we are no longer passionate about, and she is right. We need to give ourselves permission to move on in our journey. It is OK to be a “used to” person.
We don’t need to feel guilty that so many old passions are now only old stories we tell the younger folk, although we need to be careful about how many times we repeat these stories. The young folks can be done listening long before we are done talking.
We don’t need to feel nostalgic about the things we used to do, either. Boyd believes nostalgia is a form of sighing. It depresses us to talk about the old days. Instead, we can surprise people when we tell them, “I used to do such and such” or “I did that” without the accompanying sigh.
If we give ourselves permission to let go of the past and the things we used to do but no longer want to do, we can find new areas that we are passionate about.
I found that after I reached 55 I began to get new energy along with new interests, and even renewed interest in some of the things I had formerly been passionate about, but had lost interest in. I now feel as though I am back to full speed, but in a deeper and more relaxed way. If we can’t let ourselves move on or if we feel guilty about losing interest in some of the things we used to be passionate about, we may just become old men or women who only have old stories and no longer feel needed.
Boyd said we should find a new direction for the rest of the journey and not remain in a state of midlife hibernation: no longer interested in what we used to do, but not moving into an unexplored future. She rightly points out that hibernation is meant to be a season of rest after the season of work. It was never intended to be a permanent state of affairs.
So my recommendation is to give ourselves permission to happily say “I used to do ______but now I am enjoying __________.” (You fill in the blanks.)
Edmonton-based Noel McNaughton speaks at conventions and for corporations on Farming/Ranching at Midlife – Strategies for a Successful Second Age.
He can be reached at 780-432-5492, e-mail farm@midlife-men.com or visit www.midlife-men.com.
