Q: I have been married 55 years, all of which have been spent working with my husband on our farm and raising a family. Because they saw the cloud ahead, both our children went to other professions. They are also busy helping their families get established in their chosen fields, none of which happens to be farming.
I feel I have given my life to farming and now in my 70s want to move to a town and have a new life for myself. I want to experience many hobbies and interests such as drama that are not available on the farm.
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My husband is stubborn. He was born on this farm and expects to die on this farm, even though he is less able to handle the work. I worry about him having an accident. Instead of becoming more cautious in his older years, he is less attentive to all the various hazards around the equipment.
With reasonable luck at crops, good equipment and a fair amount of land, we could sell out and have more than enough to buy a modern, comfortable home in a town where prices are still reasonable.
He refuses to even discuss this.
A: Remind your husband that he married you as his wife and life mate, not as a farm wife. Remind him that you married him as a man who you loved and chose as a life mate. You did not in your vows make any promise to be a farm wife for as long as both of
you shall live.
There are some creative options:
- If you can afford to keep the farm home and maintain a town home, you could sell the land and equipment, except for the house, and live on the farm in the summer, but not to work. This may be too hard for your husband to handle.
- If you were to buy a lot with a few acres on the edge of town, he could have a little shop and do some puttering around the yard.
- Instead of him thinking of hundreds of acres of crop, get him interested in compact gardening, or growing some different vegetables, or heritage varieties.
If his stubbornness is deep-rooted, you need to assert your right to take care of yourself. Tell him you are taking a holiday from the farm on your own, visiting family or friends. Don’t take only a weekend. Plan at least a month. Visit people you
like or do things that you like.
Reacquaint yourself with old friends. He will then find that he
has to take care of himself, cook, clean up and wash clothes.
If your husband says he won’t give you any money, or won’t let you take anything, try getting advice from a local woman’s shelter or a lawyer who does not generally deal with your husband.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
