Q: I am not sure what to do with my family. My husband and my son are constantly fighting with each other. My husband has been good to us. He brought us out to his farm after we got married and he has been generous to both my boy and me. But he is also a little more strict than I am. Jason, my boy, is not used to the hard rules and he rebels every time he gets a chance.
I appreciate the strict rules my husband is enforcing but I think that he could be a little more sensitive to Jason sometimes and at least give him a chance to make his own decisions. I would like some help figuring this thing out. These are the two most important people in my life. I do not want to see them fighting all of the time.
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A: I am reminded of an old mental hospital in which I used to work when I was young. The nurse in charge of the adolescent unit was a huge man, with an equally huge heart. I recall watching him walk down the corridors talking to one of the young people admitted there.
He had his left arm draped over the shoulder of the young patient, giving him lots of love, and he had his right arm waving his finger at the boy, giving him heck for whatever it was that he had done wrong. It was a wonderful combination of love and discipline.
I wonder if your husband, who is showing himself to be a caring and concerned parent by setting rules, has forgotten that all of the discipline in the world is ineffective if it is not delivered in a way that your son knows that his step-dad cares about him.
Perhaps your husband could back off his rules for a few weeks, leave the discipline to you and just work on his relationships with you and your son.
Let me suggest a couple of exercises. The first one is about making sure that each of you knows more about each other. I am not talking about reflections on those heavy moments in your lives. I am talking about getting to know the day-by-day, almost trivial information. What is your favourite tree? What is your favourite television show? What kinds of stress do each of you face between sunup and sundown?
That information can build more productive relationships than do recalls of difficult times.
After you have built a more adequate information base all the way around your family, try moving into the second exercise. This is verbalizing moments of appreciation.
“I like you because you make a terrific egg omelette.”
“I like you because you ride your bike with rhythm and grace I have not before seen.”
The antidote to the contempt we might develop for each other is appreciation for their better qualities.
My experience is that once people know each other and are better able to show that they appreciate each other, they are able to more effectively deal with those moments when a young person needs structure and discipline.
Do not get me wrong. I am not against your husband being strict. I am simply saying that discipline works better when it is drawn from love and appreciation than when it comes from someone who might otherwise be seen as a stranger to the family.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
