Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: How could a person be so stupid to marry a man who couldn’t say, “I love you,” at least once before he married her? What did he say? “I want you.”
I was that girl in her early 20s. I’ve now been receiving pension cheques for some time and have never heard those words. I raised a nice family. I worked very hard, starting out with next to nothing. I used to tell him I loved him, but all he ever did was groan “hum-um-um.” I suppose he figures the fact he married me is proof enough. But do I have to go through life and never hear those important words from the man I’ve spent my whole life with?
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I’m attractive enough. I dress well, but never get a compliment about how I look or what I do. He seems afraid to touch me or show affection. He stays at arm’s length: No hugs or kisses. If I go to him for a hug, he can’t seem to brush me aside fast enough. I’ve never been able to really talk to him about the many problems we’ve had over the years. He accuses me of imagining them, or blames me for the problems. Can you think of anything so devastating?
He’s got quite a temper if I cross him, so I usually suffer in silence. Communication, of any kind, isn’t that great. I’ve come to the conclusion these past years that he has never gotten over his old flame, the girl he was going with before he met me. He must have given her all his love and I came along just in time for him to save face. I would be overjoyed if he’d come and put his arms around me. But he appears scared of me or himself. And sex is pretty well a thing of the past. I had hoped for better than this in our twilight years. I feel so unloved and unappreciated.
A:I suspect your husband’s problem is not his love for an old flame. I suspect he is too wrapped up with himself and the world as he wants to believe it is, that he doesn’t give any affection or attention to you. It’s tough when you realize in your twilight years that your partner doesn’t show respect and appreciation towards you. By then, it’s often difficult to decide to go out on your own.
If your husband will see a counsellor, encourage him to do so. I suspect he will refuse. But see a counsellor yourself. You can’t change him, but you can ask him to make some changes. Make these requests realistic. Ask for something he can do with only a bit of effort to start with.
Don’t expect your partner to suddenly change. And decide that whatever he does, you will still see that you take care of yourself emotionally and physically. If your partner chooses not to change, look for other areas where you can receive compliments and good feelings from others: your grown-up children, other relatives, friends and acquaintances.
People who expect marriage to meet all their needs in life are bound to be disappointed. A good marriage may meet many needs, but seldom all. If you are in a bad marriage, you have to find other ways to meet those needs or you end up feeling empty and abandoned.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
