Q: We have reason to believe that over the past two years our 15-year-old son has been lying to us. We don’t want to accuse him of lying when he is telling the truth, but we don’t want him to think he can pull the wool over our eyes. How can we tell if our son is being truthful, apart from putting him on the hot seat, or trying to catch him when he is lying?
A: I want to commend you and your husband for trying to rationally think things out before dealing with the problems your son is causing. Too often parents react without thinking and then catch themselves regretting what they have said or done.
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You are correct that confronting your son just because you are suspicious is not likely to do much for your relationship. Neither is staring into his eyes going to tell you about whether he is being honest.
Many people believe they can tell whether a person is lying by their gaze. Recent research says this is not true. Liars look into people’s eyes as much as those who are being truthful. But don’t get discouraged. There are other signals that will help determine if he is telling the truth.
When people are lying they tend to provide as few details as possible. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Liars know that if they give out too many details they will trip themselves up.
Ask your son if he has homework. If he simply says no, and quickly leaves the room, the chances are good that he has a lot of homework but he does not feel like doing it.
The second clue is that when people are lying they do not tend to talk about themselves, especially not about their feelings.
While they might lie about any number of things, lying about their feelings is a lot more difficult. If your son constantly avoids talking about himself, the chances are good that something dishonest is going on. Ask him about his feelings and watch him wriggle in the discomfort of his dishonesty.
I assume that he is not a pathological liar. These are people who convince themselves their lies are true, and they believe them so strongly that they cannot think about being proved wrong. That is a whole different ball game, and not one your son is likely playing.
When you have doubts about some of your son’s stories, it will be most helpful to ask him for a few more details, mixed in with more discussion about his feelings.
In doing so you are not accusing him of being dishonest and you are not grilling him. You are simply challenging him in a way that is more likely to encourage him to be honest with you.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
