Q:My husband and I are starting into adolescent defiance with our oldest son. He is 13 and starting to defy us in subtle but real ways.
The question is whether all of us have to struggle with our son’s adolescence or is there a way out of the turmoil?
A:Not everyone has to go through the horrors of defiance when their children become teenagers but often kids will not be as compliant in their teens as they were when they were younger.
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Adolescent defiance begins when young people start to understand that their parents are as human as everyone else. Kids know they are not yet able to be free and independent adults but now they also know that parents make mistakes.
At times, they also resent the faults they see in their parents. This is called counter dependency and is most often seen in those younger adolescents who don’t respect themselves or others. It is when they are most likely to be defiant.
The next stage is independence. Young people move into this stage when they develop more confidence and appreciate their successes.
Parents are not off the hook and children at this stage do not fully appreciate their parents, but at least they do not engage in open rebellion. They instead ignore their parents.
The final stage is interdependence. Some children never achieve interdependence. In this stage, young people have generally moved out of the home and are making their way into the community.
They may now understand that some of the suggestions that their parents made are worth considering.
Interdependence carries within it a certain sense of equality, with parents and kids treating each other with dignity and sharing ideas while respecting the rights of others to be responsible for themselves.
You can best help your son make his way through the adolescent process by creating a warm, accepting and loving climate. That means sharing appreciation and compliments while at the same time reminding him that defiance is not acceptable.
You can best help your son by encouraging him to develop and master his own strengths and skills. . The sooner he can learn to appreciate his personal value, the more quickly he will progress through adolescence. Daily chores, the ones that he is most likely to shrug at, remind him that he is a valuable and contributing member of the household.
Finally, you can best help your son by respecting yourself. You can handle even the most caustic defiance when your self-esteem is riding high.
If you find yourself feeling hurt and offended by your son’s defiance, take a moment and rebuild your self worth. As you learn to love yourself despite the challenges your children present, you will also learn to better deal with whatever it is life is offering.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@ producer.com.
