What can we do when a friend brings up a topic that we don’t feel comfortable about? It can be tough responding when the two of you are alone. But if you are with other friends or out in public, it can be particularly awkward.
In those situations many of us don’t want to overreact and create a scene. As a result we usually don’t say anything aloud. Yet we feel this discomfort inside. We may feel jumpy, flushed or embarrassed.
The key thing to remember is that we are responsible for taking care of ourselves. We are not responsible for the other person’s opinions.
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Yet we may feel caught in a bind. If we say nothing, others assume you agree with them. If you challenge them, they may become argumentative. People sometimes make comments out of ignorance. Ignoring the comment and bringing up a different topic may be enough to divert them.
Your response depends also on what kind of friend it is. People have intimate friends with whom they share deep feelings, friends from work, friends from church or sports, and casual acquaintances that they see now and then.
Some people make a comment to get a rise out of you. They want to see if you will bite. The best approach is to comment, “I realize that is how you feel about this issue. I don’t happen to share the same feelings, and I
would like to drop the subject.”
If they make a comment about you being too sensitive, ignore it. Don’t let it get to you. Their comment only shows how insensitive they are.
People often aren’t listening in a conversation. They are focusing on what they want to say and may not even catch your remarks the first time. This is where you may need to repeat the message by saying, “I’m not sure if you caught all of my comments a moment ago, but I want to repeat it to make sure you understand where I am coming from.”
Then repeat that you wish to drop the topic. By using the exact same words, you do not give them any other information they can use to start an argument. This is called the broken record technique. You just repeat what you said earlier until the other person realizes you have said all you are going to.
If you are at a function with others, you can walk away from that person and talk to someone else.
If you are at a family dinner and the uncomfortable situation continues, excuse yourself to the washroom for a minute or two. This takes the focus off you. You can rejoin the dinner later, ignoring the unpleasant topic, even if the person has managed to ensnare another
dinner guest.
We can’t stop people from making unpleasant comments that offend our values and feelings. We can, however, decide not to pay attention to them, and even remove ourselves from their company if they persist with them.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/
petecope.
