Q: I think that we have a negative aura around our house and I would like to get rid of it. I smile at my husband and children as much as possible and I praise and thank each of them for helping with chores. But just one rude comment and we are back into criticizing each other in the most contemptible way. Please let me know what to do.
A: The sad truth is that negative comments are infinitely more powerful than positive ones and one small rude comment can spoil a day of enjoyable moments.
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Buried in the writings of Confucius, one of China’s great spiritual leaders, is something called the Jeng Ratio. It measures how well things are going in our lives.
The denominator of the ratio, the bottom of it, is made up of everything that has gone wrong for the day. Just add them up. The numerator or top of the ratio counts the number of good or positive things that happened during the day.
You are looking for four things in the good column. The first is compassion or the ability to show another person that you care about them. The second is generosity or giving of yourself to another person.
The third is goodness, a willingness to learn. The fourth is wonder. Just look at the magnitude of the universe, the intricacies of an ant hill, or even one of your children standing in front of the fridge door and let yourself be overwhelmed.
Add up what falls into one of the four good things to get your numerator, then divide the bottom, or denominator, into the numerator and you have your Jeng ratio for the day.
From your comments about your family, the Jeng ratios are going to be very low for just about everyone. Record them and repeat this exercise again, perhaps daily or twice weekly and watch the scores as they change.
Include your husband and children in the exercise and let them know you are looking to improve their Jeng scores. That might encourage them to search for more positive and enjoyable times together.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
