Freelance Columnist
opinion
I received a letter from a woman in response to my column of Oct. 12, about a teenager who was acting out at home, upsetting her family. In my response, I tried to give the mother some ideas about “logical consequence” parenting. As I saw it, the teenager was out of control and the parents needed to bring in some firm limits.
In the most recent letter the woman who wrote is dealing with a young rebellious teenager. They have tried to handle the situation by resorting to what they call, “the biblical principle of child punishment.” I solidly support parents enforcing logical and appropriate consequences for misbehavior. But if the mother’s comment refers to physical punishment such as spanking, using a belt, then unfortunately this family is out of line with our present social standards.
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The teenager is presently living in a foster home. But there appears to be a lack of adequate communication between the parents, the social services department, the foster home and professional psychologists who have assessed this young lady. Psychologists see this girl as being manipulative and rebellious. They recommend an intensive supervised living arrangement, something which apparently social services department has been reluctant to pursue. The parents feel in a bind. They’ve been told to take her back or be charged with child abandonment. They believe she needs considerable help before she can successfully return home.
The mother asked me for suggestions. I have several.
Get some information from qualified counsellors about current effective tactics for disciplining and dealing with acting-out teenagers. Don’t get trapped with any ideas of “God gives me the right to.” The more you confront her aggressively (verbally or otherwise), the more she’ll fight back.
Ask for counselling for you and your daughter before she considers returning home. If new ways of coping aren’t learned by you and her, nothing will change.
Ask for copies of any professional assessments done on your daughter, even if it requires legal action. You have the right to see all reports on her problems.
Contact the social services department. Ask for a full case conference about your daughter, with you present and full file information. If you wish, bring legal counsel to that meeting. If you are turned down, then contact the child welfare ombudsman for your province. Ask for your daughter’s file to be thoroughly reviewed.
In a case conference, you may be told things about yourself and your own behavior which you may not like to hear. Don’t jump into a defensive pattern. Be willing to accept how other people see you and your behavior, and willing to make changes that may be suggested. In doing so, you will be showing love for your daughter. I suspect that both you and your daughter will need to grow and change for the family to be effectively reunited.
