Q: What do you do about a teenager who continually lies? My niece is seeing a fellow behind her parents’ back. They just found out about it and my niece continues to lie to cover it up.
I told her parents there is nothing they can do to get rid of him, and that they should invite him over and even talk to him about their relationship since he is
20 and she is 15.
A: Lying only works when people believe you and you get away with it. Parents have the right to meet anyone that their 15-year-old daughter is dating. They also have the right to ground her if they sense that the relationship is unhealthy.
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Parents cannot expect to know every detail of a teenager’s life, but they do have the right to challenge her general lifestyle and whatever may appear to be a lie.
Your niece will complain that her parents don’t trust her. In some situations, especially if a teenage girl is getting into an unhealthy relationship, parents have the right to know the facts.
Her parents need to confront their daughter with logic, not emotional anger. They need to meet and get to know this boyfriend. In some situations, if a young woman is emotionally mature and avoids the trap of falling for a controlling boyfriend, and he is willing to date and wait before considering marriage, such relationships may work out.
Her parents also need to focus on why she lied. Was she afraid they wouldn’t let her see this guy? Again, they have to get to know him to make that decision. Has she been a chronic liar in other parts of her life? If so, she needs to be confronted and learn that copouts and excuses don’t take people far in life. In the case of chronic lying, I would suggest the family sees a counselor and that she gets individual help as well.
Some teenagers threaten they will leave home once they turn 16 if their parents won’t do what they want. That may be true in law.
But the teenager also needs to be reminded that she won’t likely get social assistance and will have to be ready to take care of herself. Sometimes a week or two of crashing at someone else’s house helps a person realize how good things are at home.
I don’t want to prejudge the boyfriend. But your niece’s parents may want to read But I Still Love Him by Jill Murray, Harper-Collins, 2001.
You have expressed your concern as her uncle. That was fine. But now leave the parenting responsibility with her parents. Your staying involved will only complicate the matter.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
