Q: I know my partner loves me, but I get upset when we can’t seem to communicate. It’s not all his fault. I have problems with it as well. My emotions get stirred up quickly when I feel I am not understood. I end up equating this with not being loved.
A: Many people care deeply, but have difficulty communicating that to others, especially in families.
Fear, anxiety or uncertainty may prevent a person from responding with their feelings. The minute someone feels unsure of what he is hearing from someone else, he tends to become hesitant in replying. He may not know what to say, or be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
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Effective communication between people is an almost mystical experience. It doesn’t happen as much as people would like it to, due to impatience, differences in how we interpret phrases, and incomplete messages.
It takes a lot of time and patience to develop good communication, and unfortunately, despite how well two people may be at communicating, it doesn’t always happen.
Impatience is a barrier to communication. If we don’t get a chance to finish what we want to say, we may feel angry and resentful. Instead of listening to what the person who interrupted us is saying, we are busy dealing with our own feelings of frustration or anger.
Everyone has a different pace or style of thinking. Some people use silence to plan exactly what they are going to say, and then say it.
Others may misinterpret this silence as meaning that the other person has nothing to say. The expression, “I need a few moments to organize my thoughts” can let the other person know about that need. Other people do their thinking aloud as they are talking. In fact, although they may seem to be talking to someone else, they are also partly talking to themselves. The conversation is a work in progress. This can be frustrating to the listener, who is giving his or her attention to the person, and doesn’t see the logic or flow in this incomplete work of communication.
Asking for clarification is crucial for communication to occur. Use phrases such as “I’m not sure if I understand what you mean.”
Too often people don’t take that step. They assume that what they heard is accurate, and react with criticism or defensiveness. This shuts down effective listening since both parties are focusing more on protecting themselves, than on exploring what the real message was.
Communication requires us to understand ourselves as much as the other person.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
