We are responsible for our own feelings. We are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. But we are responsible to respect, acknowledge and respond appropriately to other people’s feelings and actions. We, and only we, are responsible for what we do.
There are four dangerous myths, common in society, which cause much grief and unhappiness to individuals, couples and families. Many mistakenly believe: You can make me feel good; you can make me feel bad; I can make you feel bad; I can make you feel good.
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Not happy in situation
Most of us have been so brainwashed that we consider these statements to be true. They aren’t. Yet, you may wonder why spouses can feel upset, angry or sad about their marriage.
If people buy into the first two myths, they place their emotional future and well-being totally in their partner’s hands. An individual turns him or herself into a puppet and gives the control strings to someone else. And if people buy into the last two myths, they expect their partner to be their puppet.
People will eventually be disappointed by expecting a partner to make them feel good. And when bad feelings arise, they assume the partner is making them feel that way. So they will probably blame or punish him or her.
Nobody “makes” you feel any way, whether good or bad. You’re in charge of your own emotions, if you choose to be. Your partner is in charge of his or hers. Perhaps you do things which help your partner to feel good or bad, but your spouse is the one who interprets what you do, what it means to them, and thus how they feel.
You may not be aware of it, but your thoughts affect or determine your feelings, which in turn affect how you handle situations. The more you believe you’re unhappy, the more unhappy you’ll feel and act.
Can’t control feeling
We don’t control our partner’s feelings. Sometimes we may wish we could. If your spouse is unhappy, we want to help him or her to feel good. But we aren’t magicians. We can’t reach inside and adjust our partner’s feeling controls. But we can be supportive. We can acknowledge and accept how they feel. We can offer to do things they might find helpful in their own task of dealing with or changing their feelings.
By letting go of the myths, “You can make me feel good” and “You can make me feel bad,” you stop expecting your partner to be responsible for your own feelings. You accept responsibility for them yourself.
By letting go of the myths “I can make you feel good” and “I can make you feel bad,” you are free to relate to your partner without being responsible for their feelings.
