Q: My wife died suddenly this spring. I am having a difficult time coping with her loss. We were together in almost every way for over 20 years. We worked together, played together and our life focused heavily on our home and our family.
Our adult children now have their own lives, as they should have. They keep in touch, but their own families, jobs and lives need to be their focus.
My wife and I always did things together. Maybe we were too dependent on each other, but the relationship was fantastic. I have a couple of male friends who try to keep me occupied from time to time and other mutual friends from here and there. People tell me that they are going to do this or that with me, but just don’t get around to doing it because of their own daily life obligations. Basically, I feel very alone. The nights and weekends are terrible. I have gone to see a counsellor a few times, but he just mirrors back my despair.
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My first reaction was terror, and then relentless crying. Now it seems a hopeless numbness has taken over. I have ordered the book When Men Are Left Alone. If you have anything else that might be of help, please let me know. I feel my life is over and I don’t seem to have much to live for.
A: The tragedy of grief is that we depend on the person who is experiencing the hurt to call out for help. That is one of the hardest things to do in life.
I am glad you have two friends who keep an eye on you. Close relationships are wonderful, but the grief work involved when someone dies is immensely painful. Tears are healthy, and when you have those crying periods, give yourself permission to let the feelings out.
Crying in grief is not self-pity. It is dealing with oneof the greatest losses we experience in life, and yourtears are likely not only for you, but for your late wife as well.
Since you contacted me by e-mail, check out the internet for support groups on bereavement. Many of these groups have chat lines where people can share their stories and give each other support and ideas on practical ways of easing yourself out of that rut of grief and depression.
Every library has a public access computer, and you can get a free and confidential e-mail address from a number of sources such yahoo.com or hotmail.com.
I reviewed the GriefNet.com site and found it comprehensive and inviting people to share from a variety of loss situations.
It and two other sites can be found by
going to www.producer.com and typing “grief,” “support” or “widower” in the go box.
It may take time to find an on-line support group right for you. These groups are monitored well toprevent people being manipulated by them.
Besides the book you mentioned, I would also suggest Life After Loss by Bob Deitz. Again, if you go to some of the internet bookstore sites, you can even read guest reviews on the books sent in by readers. Good Grief, a small but powerful book, is still in print after 30 years and is a good starting point.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
