Q: We are each busy with our own careers. My husband has always been the one who “wears the pants,” making decisions about what we are to buy, trade or sell. I rarely get a chance to express my opinion. Even if I do, it seems his mind is already made up, so my input has no value to him and is ignored. If I question him about this he instantly gets annoyed, won’t talk, and remains disgruntled for days.
I’m a quiet person. I don’t like to embarrass him. I don’t correct him in front of family or friends, but now think I should have done so earlier. Communication has always been a problem. He angers quickly, so I’ve let things slide. This only made things worse over the years. He thinks he is never wrong, so he never says he’s sorry or apologizes. I’m afraid of him and am always walking on eggshells.
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We both work hard, but he seldom credits me for contributing to anything, even privately. When I’m sick or not feeling well, he never shows support or any gesture of concern. I crave loving and sharing. What does it take to be loved? I know there is no instant answer to this type of problem. I’m so lonely I don’t know where to turn, because I don’t want our children involved. I think he’d be happier if I didn’t exist.
A: With a job, you support the farm financially and have a right to be consulted on farm decisions. Your husband may know more about some aspects of farming, but let him know that the more you are informed, the more you will feel involved and less upset if some decision doesn’t turn out as well as expected. And nobody, farmers included, can always make the right decisions.
I am sure your husband loves you, but doesn’t express it enough or in the right way. He doesn’t realize, but his lack of respect for you and your right to express opinions is abuse. He assumes men are more important and should have more power and authority in marriage than women. He may say, “No, I don’t.” But by excluding your input and getting angry, he is trying to control you.
It will be harder to confront him now, since he’s used to having his way, but if you don’t, things will only get worse. You will become more depressed and the marriage will deteriorate.
When confronting someone, do it in private, even if it means excusing yourself from others. Focus on the person’s behavior, not him as a person. For
example, say “I love you, but I don’t like what you do.” That way, you challenge what they do, not
who they are.
You and he may need the help of a third party, such as a counselor. If he’s agreeable, and the two of you contact me at 306-961-4716, I’ll share some materials that can help the both of you with this task. If he refuses to accept the problem as you see it, I will recommend other material to help you take care of yourself.
