Q: I feel sorry for my husband. When something is bothering him, he bottles up his feelings and withdraws behind a wall of silence or he gets angry and says things I know that he does not mean but get him into trouble.
I want to help him balance things off a bit, so that he can talk about his problems and not hide them from me. I am just not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas for me?
A: Neither withdrawing nor exploding is a useful way to resolve anger. People who explode through temper tantrums are in danger of hurting either themselves or their family and close friends. People who withdraw are in danger of seriously jeopardizing their health.
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Psychologists studying rats in their laboratories found peptic ulcers in those rats carrying unusual stress.
We have reason to believe that the same happens to people who keep everything inside and generate a stack of stress inside their bodies.
If you think of anger as unused energy, you might be able to better help your husband. The starting point is to help him get rid of some of that energy, to go for a run or a workout or whatever he can do.
He will discover that the more he is able to drain off that excess energy, the clearer he will be able to think about what is bothering him.
The process does not stop there. Your husband needs to talk, but in a more useful way than in the past. Regurgitating problems does not always resolve them.
Sometimes talking about life’s goals is more helpful. People have often lost sight of their life goals or they have not clarified them in the first place.
Many people want to have more money but lottery winners often do not know what to do with their winnings. Studies show once the excitement of winning has gone, many people return to the pre-winning lifestyles.
Talking about goals is difficult. A useful strategy is to talk about the kind of person either you or your husband would like to become 10 years from now – a community person, family person, thinker, worker, spiritual person or whatever. The options are unlimited.
The more you can understand who that person is, the less likely it is that the little nuisances of daily living will generate as much emotion.
Whether you maintain your life goals or change them, you and your husband need to talk about them with each other to give them the clarity they might be missing.
Talking also adds a bit of cement to your relationship and gives each of you the opportunity to support and encourage each other.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
