Q: My 10-year-old daughter is becoming difficult to deal with. I want her to grow up as a happy and well-adjusted child, but I can’t seem to please her. She is continually demanding things. When things don’t go her way, she gets depressed and is miserable to live with. What am I doing wrong?.
A: Maggie Mamen’s book The Pampered Child Syndrome, published by Creative Bound Inc., tells what happens when parents believe they are totally responsible for their child feeling happy. Mamen warns that we live in a child-centred society where children’s wants and demands are increasingly given priority over marital or family harmony, financial issues, parent sanity, common courtesy, quiet enjoyment, respect and common sense.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
What are parents responsible for? Parents need to provide appropriate physical and emotional protection. Children need shelter, food and a safe environment. We all like to see babies smiling. We can do what we can to help them experience happiness, but we can’t control their feelings.
Once a child learns to manipulate his or her environment, the takeover of a family by a child can easily occur if parents ignore one of their most important responsibilities, which is setting limits.
Most parents start off trying to set responsible limits. But if parents get trapped into feeling their children must be happy about everything that happens to them, those limits quickly disappear.
Hold position
Kids will try to get what they want, even though it might not be good for them. Advertising and peer pressures are two unhealthy influences on children that parents must persistently counteract.
This power takeover happens in many families in a slow, unnoticed, but dangerous manner. It is estimated that the nag factor affects as much as 75 percent of family purchases. The influence of advertising means children’s wish lists end up becoming family shopping lists.
I believe in respecting children’s views, feelings and rights, especially the right to be treated with self-respect. They do not deserve to be degraded or yelled at.
However, giving in to their demands or even letting them think their parents have to make them happy is a dangerous situation. It can create children who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and blame everything that happens on their parents. Saying no to a child’s request is not abuse.
Counteracting this unhealthy culture can be challenging. During the next few weeks, I will explore some of the ideas from Mamen’s book.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
