Q: My husband and I agreed to write to you to see if you could give us a little guidance for dealing with our children. We need help parenting.
The problem is that we are seldom together on this thing. I tend to be a little more rigid than he is, and within the family I am known by all four of our children to be the tyrannical one.
He is the family marshmallow.
As you can imagine, this whole thing has led to a number of very serious disagreements between my husband and me. More than once our children have peered out from their bedrooms after lights out to hear us shouting at each other.
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If he and I could get on the same page I am sure that we could get over this thing, and I am convinced that we would provide a better home life for our children. But we don’t know how to get there. How do we get onto that elusive same page?
A: For years the “experts” in family therapy have been pushing parents into absolute agreement with each other, buying into some kind of a same page philosophy to give their children “look alike” parenting and therefore safe and secure homes fostering growth and development.
As wonderful as same page parenting might sound, in fact it seldom happens. In homes where both Mom and Dad are together, they in fact come from homes themselves that are often quite different from each other. The values, fortunes and attitudes of Mom’s family home are most likely different from those found in Dad’s home.
For either one of them to forsake their personal family traditions is exceptionally difficult. They won’t do it, and neither are you and your husband likely to easily hop onto the same page.
However, you can come to some agreements. In fact, you and your husband can have a successful and caring home with three simple moments where the two of you come together:
- The first is bedtime. Bedtimes should not be set by the children; they should be put out there by the parents, and both you and your husband need to respect a mutually agreed bedtime.
- The second agreement needed is meal times. Families are busy these days, and of course a good many family activities carve right into what might be reasonable times for evening meals. However, to the extent possible, you should strive for regular meal times.
- You and your husband need to agree on how much you are going to allow your children to pulverize each other when they are arguing about which channel they are going to watch for evening television. You are going to break up their fights differently than your husband is, and that is OK. All that you have agreed to is how far you are going to let their disputes go.
Parenting can be difficult, exasperating and frustrating. I have no doubt that both you and your husband have had moments when you are on the verge of losing complete self-control. That is not unusual in today’s home. You are not the only parents fighting in the evening.
The task for both of you is to learn how to help your partner settle down during those crisis moments and regain the strength of self-regulation. If you can help your husband get himself back into control and if he can learn how best to settle you down, you will, by example, teach your children those wonderful skills they will need when sometime in the future they leave the family home for their own intimate relationships. What better gift can you offer them than the sanctity of mutual respect?
I trust that throughout all of the hardships you and your husband have endured, you still hang on to unwavering respect for each other.
