Q: A reader recently asked me how to prevent her new marriage from failing.
The couple dated for two years and then lived together for a year before breaking up. After a few weeks they got back together because they “felt helpless without each other.” Soon she was pregnant. They married and she is soon to have the baby, but feels her marriage is going downhill.
She wrote: “He has no time to talk to me about my insecurities about our marriage. When he finally does talk to me, he gets mad and shuts me out. He is not interested in making love unless it is convenient for him and he only focuses on getting it over with.”
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A: Marriage creates legal obligations, but the act of marriage itself cannot create a relationship. Staying in a marriage where you do not feel wanted and trying to raise a child in such an environment are often impossible. Resentment between people can increase into emotional, verbal or physical abuse and affect the well-being of a child.
It is unfortunate this woman is having a child in what is turning out to be a loveless relationship. But she cannot change his feelings or put love and consideration into what appears to be a failing relationship.
My advice was to look at a separation, after she has explored legal aspects of support for her and the baby. Should he decide he “needs her” they should get counselling and realistically tackle the problems that have developed.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
