Q:A psychiatrist told me that my ex-wife has a borderline personality. I am not sure what that means but I am hoping that it is not serious. As crazy as things were when we were married, I would still like to get back together with her. What do you think?
A:This is a serious psychiatric disorder, characterized by instability in moods, trouble in interpersonal relationships, poor self-image and impulsive and self-destructive behaviours.
People with borderline personalities struggle with emotional dysregulation. They do not deal with their feelings in a reasonable way and often let sudden surges in emotion drive them to bad decisions.
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Some people with borderline personalities have tried to commit suicide, believing that their lives are without meaning and that their only hope for peace and salvation is through death.
About two percent of adults struggle with borderline personalities, with 20 percent of those admitted to psychiatric facilities. At the moment, three times as many women as men have borderline personality. Women are more inclined than men to ask for help, so the figures may be misleading.
People with borderline personalities appear reasonable and competent. They have bouts of impulsive and self-destructive behaviour and are driven by overwhelming feelings that they will be abandoned by those who care about them.
Some recover as they get older and many are helped by professional therapists. Aging slows down emotional explosiveness. Therapists working with borderline personalities must understand their need for validation.
With time, persistence and guidance, patients begin to recognize and accept their value as members of their families and communities. They can recover.
You would do your ex-wife a favour if you backed off for a while. You can support and encourage her while she is in therapy but resuming an intimate relationship before she is ready could result in failure. You may also interfere with her therapy and cause a setback.
You can love, encourage and patiently wait for her. That will help both of you more than reconciliation will.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
