Q: My husband is one of those big and strong men who work hard and who would never do a thing to upset either me or our children, but his ability to show affection is just not there. I am not sure that he knows how to love another person. I try to encourage him and give him as many hugs as I can, but he almost never reaches out to me, not even to hold my hand. Is it possible that he is afraid of love? What can I do to get him to be a more affectionate person?
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A: I am reasonably certain, after reading your letter, that you have a wonderful ring of romance about your character.
You must surely be aware of the poem, which says, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways.” Maybe we can change that poem to count the different ways in which people say “I love you.”
After people first meet and go through the excitement of courting, falling in love and getting married, things change.
Some people say their real love for each other did not start until after the romance of the courtship. Could it be that is true for your husband as well?
Think of it this way. Every time your husband does something gentle for either you or your children, he might be saying in his own way, “I love you.” Every time he protects you and your home, he might be saying “I love you.” He could be saying “I love you” when he is working hard in the fields. Maybe he is saying it when he is sitting and watching you and just enjoying the moment as you rush about with your chores.
Sometimes when we look at the words “I love you,” we not only have to learn how to say them, we have to learn how to hear them when other people are saying them to us.
You have your own way of saying “I love you” to your husband. I hope that he hears you the same way as I hope you hear him.
I hope that you continue to hug him as much as you can, that you hold his hand when the opportunity arises, and that he can in his own quiet way thank you for the affection.
When you both express lovein the ways in which you are comfortable the bonds that you are able to build into your relationship become stronger.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
