Freelance Columnist
opinion
You may think that people are not possessions, unless they live in a country that still allows slavery. But people don’t have to be slaves to be possessions. They only have to be treated like they are a possession, and that is exactly how they will end up feeling about themselves. This happens in too many relationships.
In my treatment program for men who are abusive to their partners or girlfriends, either emotionally, verbally or physically, we won’t allow the men to refer to their partners as a possession. If a man refers to “my old lady” or “my wife,” we politely but firmly interrupt him and ask him to refer to her by her first name. When he talks about his partner as a living, breathing human being, who has a special given name, he is referring to her as a person. If he talks about her being his “old lady” or “wife,” he treats her as a possession or a piece of property, even though he may not realize it at the time.
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You may think, “but that person is his wife and should be acknowledged as such.” Yes, she is his wife. But she is also a unique person. We suggest to the men in our group that the best and most respectful way to acknowledge these two facts is to give us her name first, and then acknowledge her relationship to him. “Jane, my wife” shows respect first and relationship second.
Respect is the opposite of possession. But respecting people goes beyond acknowledging names and avoiding labels. It involves respect for their space. Everyone needs certain private space from time to time, even within the same house. Everyone also needs private thoughts as well. Demanding or insisting your partner share all his or her feelings and thoughts with you, or that he or she think and feel the same as you, treats them as a possession.
Sense of well-being
Another way of treating a person like a possession is to believe you have the right to their approval or love all the time. You don’t! Approval and love is nice when you get it. But if you insist on having it all the time, you’ll end up with problems. If your sense of well-being is based on how someone else thinks about you, rather than on what you think about yourself, you will end up feeling like someone else’s possession. And if your partner has to think or feel the same as you, then you are treating your partner as a possession.
Possessions are things we want to own and control. If I own a car I control it, particularly if I have the only set of keys for it. If I own a house, I have the right to decide who comes in or not. But I don’t have the right to control people.
People often try to control relationships with their partner or with their adult children, because they are afraid of losing them. This fear may feel real, but it’s a false fear. The more you give into that fear, the more you will try to control others, treat them like possessions and ultimately lose them.
The only way to stop this destructive self-fulfilling prophesy is to stop controlling and stop treating other people like possessions. People need to be accepted, not controlled or owned.
