Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: Thanks for your great column published on Jan. 26, 1995 where a reader complained that you had a pro-woman bias. A wife is a gift. A husband is a gift. And our children are also gifts. Yet, sadly, our giftedness is often not in line with how we treat each other.
I believe we all need to be aligned with our inner spirituality and in touch with a holy and loving God and Creator. We need to learn to be assets, not liabilities. And, as you said in that column, we need to be equal, to listen, to negotiate, to understand and to compromise. For marriage to work, all parties involved need to be diplomats and servants to each other. Diplomatic skills must be learned, practised and treated like we treat our fields. They need to be cultivated, sown, fertilized, sprayed and harvested. The most skilled diplomat was Jesus Christ, who Christians believe is in us, with us, works through us and protects and guides us, through what we call prayer.
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A: Thank you for sharing your ideas with that beautiful image of marriage skills and the farming cycle. There is never an end to the farming cycle. No sooner do you finish one aspect then it is time to begin doing the next task. Being a good steward of the earth involves not trying to control the earth, but responding to its various needs at the different points in the production cycle.
Marriage certainly presents us with that same ongoing and continuous challenge of stewardship. We are building and maintaining a relationship, and we are doing so in many phases of our lives, from our twenties to our eighties. Marriage may change a great deal through these different focuses. If children are raised, there are periods when a mother will have a specialized role. But being a mother shouldn’t prevent her from having a career or being involved with other activities.
Some people may say love is the sustainer of marriage. Spiritually, most Christians believe God’s love is the sustainer of us, our faith and our organized churches. But there is something equally as important as love. That is commitment, and it applies to spiritual life as well as marriage. Hanging in there, even when you’re not sure why, or even when you aren’t sure about what it is you’re hanging onto, is what commitment is all about. Being there for the other person is what marriage is all about.
As a counsellor who works extensively with perpetrators and victims of spouse abuse, I want to stress this commitment must be to a healthy relationship, not an abusive one. When abuse occurs, a woman must pull back in order to protect herself and her children. She may care for her partner. She cannot be held responsible for caring for him at her own expense, particularly if that expense involves suffering emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Her commitment then is to look for her husband changing his ways and doing something about his problem, so that hopefully they can work to rebuild their marriage.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
