Q: When my husband was a young boy, he was raised by a strict and often cruel stepfather. His mother did little to protect him from this man and my husband spent most of his early childhood either in tears or in terror. For the most part, my husband has worked through the miseries of his early childhood and I am proud of him for doing so.
The problem is that he is so afraid of being cruel to our own children that he seldom disciplines or gives them the guidance they need. What can I do to support my husband and help him?
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A: You and your husband deserve credit for putting his horrific childhood behind you and working together to raise your children. Children need to be both nurtured and disciplined to give them the guidance they need to mature into reasonable and responsible adults. If not, they may as adults struggle to control their emotions and impulsively move from crisis to crisis.
Guidance helps them learn to control their emotions but does not have to be horrific or painful punishment.
You do not have to use physical force on your children or scream and shout. A few moments with a time-out in their bedrooms is at least as effective as a spanking.
You and your husband might take time to list the various non-violent consequences for your children to help them when they are misbehaving.
And don’t forget to play with your children. The more that your husband can romp with them or play hide and seek, the more likely it is that he will build relationships with them.
It is the playful parent who can step back when necessary to discipline the kids and let them know when they have crossed the line and are being inappropriate. It is also the parent who has confidence that he would never do anything to deliberately hurt his children.
