Q: Can you write a column about the problems of the different way men and women look at the world? This, to me, is the biggest source of stress within my marriage and those of many of my friends.
A: Communication must be understood from two points of view. The art and skill of communicating lies in realizing that the message you send may not be the one that is heard.
An example of this was shared on CBC radio recently. A phone-in listener told a story about going to a large zoo with her older parents. As they wandered past the giraffe enclosure, the zoo staff was standing around with notepads watching a pair of giraffes.
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The female was in heat. The male was following her with a keen interest in mating. The female kept on the move. The male kept prancing after her. The zoo staff wanted to note and record, if and when, successful mating occurred. After watching this ritual of chasing and evading for a while, the woman and her parents went off to see other parts of the zoo.
When they were leaving the zoo, they happened to pass by the same giraffe enclosure. The zoo staff was still standing there. The male was continuing to chase the female around, with apparent little success on his part or interest in hers.
Her mother made the comment “poor giraffe,” to which her father replied, “Yeah, he’s having a hard time.” His wife immediately snapped back, “I was referring to the female.”
The two perspectives in that communication weren’t shared. That is common. Two people, despite being in love or sharing their lives together, don’t always think the same way about the same event. A crucial skill in communication is to be able to recognize when that perspective isn’t shared, and to accept that it’s OK when that happens.
The key to effective communication can be summed up in two words – accepting and understanding. Understanding means you recognize that the two perspectives are different. You don’t have to understand why they are different. You just need to accept that they are and to understand that there is more than one way of looking at something.
Acceptance and understanding help relationships grow, but it is tough to accept and understand at times. You have to put your own reactions aside, and see the world and situation through someone else’s viewpoint.
John Gray, the author of Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus points out how conflict arises when different perspectives are not understood and respected.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
