Q: I am not sure what to do about my dad. He will not quit smoking. When I try to tell him how smoking is affecting his health, he just looks at me and says that at 79 years he can still enjoy a cigarette, and then he walks out of the room. My dad is a great guy, but he can be stubborn when he wants to be. How should I handle this?
A: You have every right to be concerned about his smoking. It is likely hurting him more than he realizes.
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To begin helping your dad you might try looking at his life the same way in which he does. At 79, he has probably lived longer than most of the people with whom he went to school. His own death is more of an inevitability to him than yours is to you. He is not sure how many tomorrows he has left.
In all probability his goal is to live as much for each moment as he possibly can, letting long-range goals or possibilities look after themselves. Even if he knows the damage that smoking is causing him, if it feels good for the moment, he is going to continue doing it.
The more that you understand your father’s point of view, the more likely it is that you can modify your approach as you encourage him to stop smoking. You need to forget about the long-term consequences of smoking and begin to focus on the immediate problems it creates.
If he has a cough like most people who smoke, you can remind him that it is a smoker’s cough. You can let him know how badly he smells after he has just had
a cigarette.
You can let him know how messy and dangerous smoking can be, that it can
be a fire hazard.
But if you only talk negative consequences, you may scare your father away. He will avoid you as much as possible. You need to also offer some positive rewards.
Try to encourage your dad and his grandchildren to really enjoy each other when he comes over for a visit.
Almost all public events these days are required by law to prohibit smoking. Your dad cannot enjoy a hockey game at the rink, bingo at the church, or even just meeting with his friends on coffee row, and smoke at the same time. It has to be one or the other.
The more that he can enjoy the other activities, the more likely it is that he will start to control his smoking.
Stopping smoking is hard to do. Many people who do so go through long periods of nicotine withdrawal before they finally break the habit. Fortunately for your dad, he can get some help. He can either chew nicotine gum, try a nicotine inhaler or use the patch to help him through some of the discomfort. Health Canada has some more suggestions.
Of course none of these options may bring him the immediate satisfaction that he gets from a cigarette, but they will give him enough relief to let him enjoy the other activities and that may be his goal, to live more in the present moment. That also helps you achieve your goal, which is to help him live healthier and longer.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
