Q: We had our first child about five months ago. He is wonderful. But neither my wife nor I appear to be enjoying our experience at parenting. We argue a lot with each other, we spend little time alone together and we have absolutely no intimacy in our relationship. This is not what I imagined that it would be. What can we do to make life better in our home?
A: There are a lot of stresses on marriage these days. What appears to be forgotten is how stressful the birth of the first child can be to a relationship.
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The miracle of birth is always a sacred moment and the opportunity to become a parent is as exciting today as it always has been.
But one of my university professors used to say that the stress that comes with the birth of the first child is one of the most significant crises a marriage will face.
When the newborn is brought home from the hospital, Mom and Dad suddenly no longer know what to expect from each other. The maternal bond, mother to child, is crucial to the survival of the baby, and often that does not leave much time for Mom and Dad to spend time alone together.
Mom may also have trouble keeping up with what was previously her part in the family’s community commitments.
Even fathers who are intensely involved with their babies are not as bonded to the children as their wives are, and many new dads struggle with loneliness. Everything is different.
Stress of the first child needs to be only for the short term. As the baby grows, its demands for all of Mom’s time start to diminish, while the child’s opportunities to spend time with Dad become more frequent.
If the stress does not start to ease, then the adults need to have a serious look at their marital relationship and make adjustments to what they are expecting from each other.
You and your wife can start to get back on track with each other by reserving some daily time to be together and away from your baby. It may be just a few moments right now, but it is useful to your marriage, and it sets the stage for recovering those lost moments of intimacy.
The more that you are able to put your timeouts into some kind of a ritual, the more likely it is that they will continue to nurture your relationship with your wife throughout the many years of responsibility that come with parenting.
Don’t get nervous about having more children. The extent to which you have to change for each additional child is less than it is for the birth of the first child. If you keep your rituals to help nurture intimacy, it is always easier.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
