Q: I stumbled on your article about a procrastinator. This is more or less my partner. He always finds other things to do in place of important things around here. He lets them go until they cost a lot more than if he had done them
earlier.
He also seeks approval. He knows this and is almost addicted to attention. People who accept him and love him are lower on the list for attention than those from whom
he is trying to gain love and approval.
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You mentioned information on communication and a DESC script. Would you send it to me?
A: DESC stands for the four steps we need to take when we confront someone about their behaviour. The idea was first shared by Gordon and Sharon Bower in
the 1970s in their book Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide For Positive Change.
The idea behind a DESC script is that you rehearse the words you are going to use so that you learn them the same way you would learn lines for a play.
D stands for describe. You describe factually and objectively what the person did that you do not appreciate.
E stands for express. You express your feelings using phrases that start with “I feel.” rather than “you make me angry,” or “you should.”
When you own your feelings, rather than attack the other person, he or she tends to listen better.
S stands for specify. You
specifically tell the other person what you would like her to do or not do. Only ask for one small thing at a time.
C stands for consequences. First tell the person what you will do if he complies with your request, which hopefully will be something positive for both of you.
You explain what you will also do as a negative consequence if he chooses not to respond positively to your request.
Your partner has an approval
addiction, feeling important only when the spotlight is on him. People can be as addicted to emotions as they are to any substance. Love,
approval and work are common
Readers can receive more information about DESC scripts by e-mailing me at petergrif@sasktel.net.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
