Q: My elderly mother has been angry at all us children since my dad’s funeral last year. He became very ill after an operation, and for a while needed someone with him round the clock. I come from a big family. We all took shifts staying with him. For a while, we didn’t know if he would live. This was emotionally draining.
My mother only stayed with him once, and only after we knew he would survive, and then just for a couple of hours. But after that, she did everything possible to keep us children away from him. It seems we offended her when we gave our dad attention. She is most angry with the children who spent the most time with him.
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Put people at odds
My dad was a quiet, gentle man. He lived a full life and didn’t have an enemy in the world. He never, swore, criticized or said a bad word about anyone. My mother was different. She always did all the talking. She raised us, spanked us, kept the house, and arranged birthday parties when we were young. But she also made up stories, exaggerated things, and played people against each other. She never confronts any of us directly, but we can tell by her actions when she is mad.
Until my dad’s illness, none of us knew how much this happened. Then, we compared notes. We found she had told others how horrible her children were, that no one helped her, stayed with her or did anything for her. But we all know that’s not true. We know what we’ve done. But it still hurts.
As a result, her children avoid her at a time she needs us more than ever. I tried to tell her that if she had been sick, we would have all been there for her, just like we were for our dad.
During his illness, she kept saying our dad wasn’t the person she had wanted to marry, and that she never loved him. His mind gradually gave out, and I think she gloried in the times when he forgot things and made mistakes. Also, she now says she has never heard stories which she has told us many times over the years. Do you think she has a medical problem? Or does she just want us to think we’re crazy?
A: I suspect you’re dealing with a grief reaction, and perhaps a personality that has used manipulating people and things as a way of making it through tough times. Your mother’s reaction to your father’s intensive illness following a surgery may have been related to fear, anxiety, anger or denial, all aspects of grieving. When someone is ill, aged, or may be dying, we don’t wait until their death before we start to grieve. We grieve now, both for the present losses we are experiencing and losses that loom in the future.
In your mother’s case, she lost someone to listen to her (since she was the household talker) and to acquiesce to her decisions (since your father was more passive) the moment he entered hospital.
I don’t know if she really wishes she never married your dad. That remark was more an emotional rather than intellectual reaction. It’s hard to objectively assess how good a decision really is when you are looking 60 years back. Those feelings may reflect her anger and frustration at his failing health and fear of losing him.
Your mother may be depressed. But the best treatment at her age is activity rather than pills, unless the depression gets worse. Would she be willing to see a counsellor to discuss her life and her current concerns?
Even if they are angry at her, could you and your siblings take turns focusing on your mom for a day or so, every second week? Given the family size, that would be about four times each a year.
