Q: My wife is always after me because I don’t express enough feelings, and then when I do let out my frustrations and anger, she is upset. I love her, but have a hard time expressing romantic feelings at times.
A: Many men find it difficult to express feelings. They tend to be doers and fixers. They see themselves as providers of material support. They see themselves as protectors, yet often don’t understand that what needs their care is not their wives, but their relationship.
In healthy relationships, both must be receiving the support they feel they need. Men have feelings but are often afraid of saying the wrong thing or of being misinterpreted.
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Feelings tend to fall into three types: feelings of frustration or anger; feelings of sadness or depression; feelings of joy and happiness. These groups can be referred to as feeling mad, sad or glad. Feelings often need to be explained. Blurting out a feeling doesn’t help unless you can explain how you are affected by it.
Acknowledge when you feel anxious, confused or puzzled. This helps you to start understanding yourself with an immediate emotion, from which you can search for the other feelings you have. It also helps the other person to sense where you are coming from.
When you are lost for words, write down feeling words you may have experienced in the past. Even if you start from mad, sad or glad, you have a point from which you can explore other feelings.
By writing feelings down, they can’t escape from you as fast as from your head. It shows your partner you are working at getting in touch with yourself and allows you to take a few moments for thinking and reflection.
Once you identify one feeling word, try to find other words to describe your current feelings. You may feel anxious., become clammy or self-conscious. But the more you grow to understand your feelings, the more you tend to understand yourself and grow.
You are the only person who can change how you feel. When you want to change a feeling, but find it too hard on your own, reach out to a good friend, a clergy or counsellor or books I often recommend in my columns.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
