Q: I was married for 40 years. Like most married couples, we learned as we went along our everyday life journey. I lost my wife to lung cancer at the age of 60, surprised to see her go first. Reflecting on my wife and married life left me with lots of unanswered questions. Where could we have done better?
I found a book my wife had, Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, and I wished that I would have read it years ago. Most of us get married and do not understand what we are going into.
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This book tells us how a woman and a man think and if we had a better understanding at an early stage of our married life, I believe we would not see so many divorces. What do you think?
A: Thank you for your thoughts. I tend to think of marriage as a work in progress. We can always work on getting along better with our life partners. That is what makes it so interesting and challenging.
One of the trademarks of a good marriage is that the two people involved in it are always checking each other out, learning about each other, respecting each other, and not letting little disagreements get in the way of the bond they are forging by being together.
I have also read Love and Respect. The general idea of the book is that when women marry, they are looking for love from their husbands. When men marry, they are looking for respect from their wives.
In other words, they are looking for different things from each other, and that can lead to misunderstandings.
Think about it. If a man wants his wife to respect him, he is likely going to do a number of things to impress her.
But that is not what she wants. She just wants him to show some love and when he doesn’t, she isn’t going to respect him.
So despite all that he has done, he is not getting what he wants from her and she is not getting what she wants from him.
This can get out of hand and two people who actually care about each other, but who are not understanding what is going on between them, could end up in the bitterness of a divorce.
The irony for guys is that they are most likely to get the respect that they want from their wives when they are quiet and humble.
Most wives will generally respect their husbands when their husbands say “I’m sorry” for their mistakes. Women are generally more likely to show respect for an apology than they are when those same men try to impress them by moving mountains with a grain shovel.
Women have similar ironies. When they vigorously pursue their husbands, they are more likely to scare the poor guys away than they are to get the love and affection they are looking for.
Love and affection comes when they sit back and simply admire the men they married for being the wonderful creatures that they are.
I expect that marriages are built on more than love and respect, but it is an interesting idea.
I am sorry that you did not have a chance to sit down with your wife to leaf through the book together.
Perhaps you will join me to encourage other men to do so with their wives. It could be a fun project for everyone.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
