How often the best of intentions go awry because someone forgot the first step. The first step in any interpersonal endeavour is to listen.
The story is that an elderly lady in a neighbouring town was admitted to the hospital and later transferred to a specialist’s care in the city. She was going to be absent from her home for a long time.
The lady was a bit different. She had a number of pets, all of whom she cared for more than she did either herself or her house. In fact, the place was a mess. While she was gone neighbours and members of her family went into her home to clean it up.
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They did more than clean; they completely renovated the house. It was magic. They turned an otherwise slovenly home into the princess of cottages, clean and respectable and, without doubt, the most attractive place on the street.
They could hardly wait for the lady to come back home.
When she finally did come back they were shocked. Not only did she not appreciate the effort that everyone had made to transform her home, she threatened them beyond their lives should any of them set foot in her house again.
For all the work that everyone had done, they forgot the vital step. They forgot to ask her what she wanted. They did not listen.
Listening is a skill that, when practised, will endear us to others for a long time. How ironic that we think we impress people by what we say to them, or by what we have achieved, when the most important thing we do for them is listen to what they have to say.
Listening bonds us to our children, fortifies our intimate relationships and gives strangers the opportunity to feel comfortable when we are around.
Most of us think that we know how to listen, and to some extent we do. But often when we are listening to another person, all that we hear are the words. We in no way validate the worth of the person talking to us, and to that extent we may hear what they say, but we are not listening to them.
I do that to my wife all of the time. I listen to her words without paying attention to the wonderful person that she is. How frustrating for her.
To listen to another person, we need to focus on the person, not gaze out a window or mindlessly slip our attention to the television.
If I am able to repeat back to her what she has said, perhaps rephrasing it, I go a long way to convincing her that I have some idea of what she is trying to say.
You do not have to agree with everything you hear. Sometimes people are wrong. But if you save your comments until she has been convinced that you have listened to her, your counter arguments will be more likely to be accepted. Validating her is more important to your relationship than setting her straight.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened had the family and friends of the little old lady with the messy house listened to her before they worked on her house. All that they wanted was to show her that they cared for her, that they loved her.
Perhaps if they had listened to her first, before renovating her home, they might have given her the message they were trying so hard to deliver.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor, living and working in west-central Saskatchewan who has taught social work for two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
