Q: My husband’s grandfather is and always has been a special person in my husband’s life. When my husband was very young, his natural father was killed in a highway accident.
Fortunately for my husband, Grandpa was there to give him that decisive voice in his life when he was searching for guidance.
That continues.
When my husband was out calving in the midst of our latest midwinter cold snap, Grandpa would phone to remind him how important it was to be careful and calculating in frigid weather.
Read Also
Nutritious pork packed with vitamins, essential minerals
Recipes for pork
But things are turning around. Grandpa is no longer able to look after himself. He was only recently admitted to our local long-term care facility. No one likes to be pessimistic but our reality is that he will not likely be there long before he passes. My husband loves this man dearly and wants to do everything that he can to help his aging grandfather. But we are not sure what to do. Do we try to encourage him even though we know he is very ill? Should we talk about death and dying with him? How honest should we be about his health problems? We are simply not sure. What do you think?
A: I am not sure how you could go wrong when your husband walks into his grandfather’s room and shares all of that love and respect he so clearly has for his grandfather.
That is amazing.
Grandpa is leaving all of you with a huge portfolio of memories to share with each other for many years to come. You might do well if you are able to start sharing those memories when your husband and Grandpa have a few private moments together.
I cannot tell you how to approach the whole matter of death and dying with your husband’s grandfather. So much of what you have been told is the right thing to do, but what you should talk about with your aging grandfather is an individual concern.
What is right for your husband’s grandfather might not be something about which you would talk to your own grandparents, or anyone else for that matter.
Let me tell you what research is telling us.
Firstly, research says that many aging people are not afraid of death. By the time they have accumulated a few extra years their friends have already died and for some of them cherished loved ones have also passed. Death is something they accept as normal and natural. Some even look forward to those moments when they can be reunited with loved ones who have predeceased them.
Secondly, the fears built into death and dying are very often more to do with how a person dies rather than if a person dies. Many aging people have seen their friends struggle with excruciating pain, they have seen people whom they love lying helplessly in bed and they have seen the tears of despair that are so often part of the process.
They do not want any of this for themselves. They want to die in peace.
Finally, our research is telling us that very often those who are aging and dying are more concerned about others than they are about themselves. So it is that Grandpa is worried when your husband is out in the arctic cold midwifing his prize cow.
Putting all of this together, what it means is that you let Grandpa decide when and if he wants to talk to you about death and dying. You don’t need to push it and you definitely should not deny its inevitability.
You might also want to check in with the facility staff where he is staying to ensure that he is as comfortable as he can be where he is now. And, finally, let him share his accumulated wisdom of the ages with you and your husband. Let’s not forget that this is a man who has been loving and caring all of his life and why would he stop now just because he has aged a bit?
