I think all of us go through tough times when we see problems in our families that we had not seen before.
The kids do not appear to be getting along with each other, and the disrespect they show to each other is, at times, directed to either or both of their parents. The house is filled with fighting and anger, tensions bump up at just about every meal, and a significant problem comes when Mom and Dad are trying to get people to bed on time. The question is, what to do about it?
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A family, like a house, needs a solid foun-dation. The foundation in the family is the emotional security of the parents. In traditional families, those in which Mom and Dad are living together, the foundation is built from the relationship between the parents. If that relationship is difficult, chances are the kids are going to have a tough time.
When we counsel families that are in trouble, we start by trying to reconnect Mom and Dad in mutually supportive and nur-turing relationships.
In single parent families, the foundation for the family is in that individual parent’s
emotional well-being. Parents caught up in fears and anxieties pass their insecurities on to their children, which can cause problems in the home.
When we counsel single parent families, we start working with the family by helping either Mom or Dad settle in to more peace with either himself or herself.
The families caught in the turmoil of dysfunction seldom understand the need for parents to acquire more peace and sanity. The more likely tendency is to ask the children to change.
I wish that I could count the number of times I hear parents say that the family would be more enjoyable if only the children would get along with each other. Then the parents fight with each other over who is at fault for the problems the children have.
The example the parents set, disrespecting either themselves or each other, is clear to
everyone except themselves. They do not see the connection between what they are doing and what their children do.
Looking after our children means, first, looking after ourselves. The problem is that few of us know how to do that. We try to please too many people and, in the process, exhaust ourselves with too many demands.
Or, we try blaming someone else for our hurts and disappointments and deny ourselves the opportunity to fix whatever it is that ails us. We expect someone else to do that for us, and that never happens.
Looking after ourselves means: eating nutritious food; getting appropriate rest; having at least one other adult to whom you can relate with comfort; drinking a little less; having an interest in something outside the family; and giving yourself the freedom to love your children as they have never been loved before. Funny isn’t it, how loving your children is every bit as important to you as it is to them?
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor, living and working in west-central Saskatchewan who has taught social work for two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com
