Q: I am concerned about my children. Their father and I separated about a year ago. We have joint custody but the kids spend most of their time with me. He works out of town. The problem is that the children are sad most of the time. I do not know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Sometimes parents who have separated or divorced forget that their children have to grieve the loss of the family every bit as much as their parents do. Parents can get caught in a mire of guilt, punishing themselves for failing in their marriages. And they feel guilty for making the children unhappy.
Read Also
Food can play a flavourful role in fun summer activities
Recipes – popsicles are made with lactose-free milk and yogurt so are perfect for those who can’t tolerate milk, while everyoneelse will also enjoy them
No matter what arrangements you and their father have made, life for them is different today than it was before you separated. They have lost that to which they had grown accustomed, and like anyone who has experienced a loss, they need the freedom to feel badly about it.
The best present you and their dad can give your children is the freedom to talk about their feelings.
They need to know that they can talk about feeling sad without you in turn being sad. They need to know that they can feel angry without being punished, just as long as their anger doesn’t hurt someone or destroy things.
They need to know that they can be foolish without being ridiculed. And they need to know that they can talk about their feelings to both parents for as many months as it takes for them to accept the separation and get on with their lives.
When you start listening to your children and giving them the opportunity to grieve, don’t be fooled by sudden changes in behaviour.
Children, especially younger ones, move in and out of intense feelings quickly. They can be overwhelmed with despair one moment, and out frolicking on the playground the next.
That does not mean they have resolved their grief. It just means they are taking a break from it. The grieving itself will take a a while to work itself out.
Listening to your children is important. This is not the only loss they will experience as they pick their paths on their life journeys. They will meet with family and friends who will die, some who will move away and others who will just quit coming around.
The more that your children learn to grieve their present losses with you now, the better they will be prepared for dealing with other losses in the future.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
