Q: After many years of not getting along, my husband and I have decided to separate. We have worked everything out except for arrangements that would work best for our two children. We live in a small community. One of us will likely have to leave it once our divorce is final. That makesshared parenting difficult. Do you have some suggestions for us?
A: I think that trying to figure out what is best for your children is one of the most difficult discussions you and your husband will make as you divorce. No one wants to leave their children behind when they move and no one wants to be left behind by their children.
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When parents separating try to work out arrangements for their children, they end up negotiating the amount of time each parent spends with them. If one parent gets a few more days, or even hours, the other parent may get upset and expect some form of compensation for lost time. But the amount of time spent with the children is not the most important part of being a reasonable parent.
Quality is much more important than quantity. What really counts is whether both parents are able to develop healthy relationships with their children when they are with them.
Good parents build their relationships by encouraging their children’s strengths at school, at the hockey rink or in front of a computer. They do so despite what the custody agreement is.
In a calm and settled household, working with children to help them succeed is easy. In a household going through a divorce, it is more difficult because Mom and Dad have hurt feelings.
Those feelings can cloud the parents’ ability to make reasonable and fair decisions. You and your husband need to lock up whatever hurt feelings or disappointments you have built up over the years and try to look as objectively as you can at your children.
If you cannot do this on your own, try to find someone who can help you. Each of your lawyers has a list of family mediators who are trained to help people in your situation work toward more objective and reasonable decisions. The money spent on mediation could save both of you heartache and disappointment.
Years of experience tell us that children can adjust to just about any arrangement that their parents have set up. The bigger problem kids have is the extent to which the adults let their bitterness rule. If Mom and Dad are bitter, the children are more likely to have problems. If Mom and Dad do not involve the children in their squabbles, the kids will adjust more quickly to the situation.
If you leave the community you will need to assure your children that they are not being abandoned by their father.
Children generally do better when they know both of their parents care about them, even if one parent has been a little irresponsible over the years.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
