Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I’m 25 years old and work at a minimum wage job. I’m destined to be a poor follower in life, not a leader. I feel I am not as assertive as I would like to be. I want to be more assertive. But I have a hard time striking a balance between being assertive and being too authoritative or bossy.
It seems at times I don’t even realize when others are bossing me. Yet, after all this time of my being passive, how else are other people supposed to treat me? Perhaps I am drawn to people who are leaders, and follow them. But it’s time I stopped walking two steps behind everyone else. Do you have any suggestions or comments that could help me?
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A:We are what we believe ourselves to be. If a person thinks he or she is a loser, he or she will behave like a loser.
But I believe we can all change if we choose to change. Yes, it may take effort, so we have to be prepared to use a lot of energy, emotional or physical, to do so. And the only person we can change in the world is ourselves. We do this by changing our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and about others.
Recognize that you have the full right to express your opinions to others. Even if others choose not to take you seriously at first, that doesn’t matter. It is important you take yourself seriously since you can only change yourself, not them. But when you do change, you have an influence on them, even though they may not choose to notice or acknowledge it at first.
Think of passiveness, assertiveness and aggressiveness as being points on a very long line. Assertiveness is in the middle of the line, where you stand up for your rights, but also acknowledge the rights of others (providing they are not infringing on yours).
Passiveness and aggressiveness are towards the opposite ends, and are not healthy behaviors. Many people are either a bit too passive or a bit too aggressive for their own good. They either refuse to stand up and take care of themselves, or they want to control or dominate others.
Stress viewpoint
You stop being passive when you start to say “no” and mean it. If someone doesn’t respect your “no,” you say it again, and keep saying it again and again calmly and politely until they finally hear the message. This is called the “broken record” technique. You protect yourself from aggressive people when you say, “I don’t like that,” or “stop it,” and then take whatever protective action you need if they don’t listen to you.
Leadership doesn’t mean dominating or controlling. Leadership involves sharing ideas and showing initiative in getting something started, which you did when you wrote to me. A good leader is a good example, a good listener, a good thinker and a good motivator, both of herself and of others.
Try to locate some books on assertiveness. Your local library can borrow them for you from larger cities through inter-library loans. Some good ones are: Asserting Yourself by John and Sharon Bower, which outlines positive ways to cope with other people’s behavior; Talking To Yourself by Pamela Butler, which teaches you to recognize the powerful negative self-talk tapes we play inside our head; and Making Contact by Arthur Wassmer, which has tips on how to reach out to others.
My package on assertiveness is available from Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave. W., Prince Albert, S6V 5E5, 306-764-2242 for $4 postpaid.
